As I was driving home from work on Thursday I realized that although I started the sugar pills on Sunday I still haven't bleed at all. This isn't that odd to me anymore, I've skipped bleeding a number of months now since I started on birth control a year and a half ago. But this time my mind went somewhere else with those thoughts.
First, let me back up a bit.
As I am (what feels like) the oldest living virgin alive I kind of hate being on birth control. It feels like a waste. We all know abstinence is the best firm of birth control and I've got that down pat. However, at the beginning of 2015 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Very simply put, PCOS affects your hormones, how your body absorbs different foods, and your period. Instead of releasing eggs like normal, my ovaries start the process but don't finish. Lazy stinking ovaries. No follow-through. Instead of releasing the egg, there's this little hair follicle that grows and then just hangs out in my ovary forever. It's not something doctors go in and remove. They're tiny and not doing much except collecting in there. But because you're not ovulating normally it can make it harder to get pregnant. (One of most girls, and definitely one of my, biggest fears.) When I was first diagnosed I had 14 follicles in one ovary and 10 in the other. Not sure how many I have now, but I would assume more. When the doctor first told me how many I freaked out, because while I do not know much about the human body, I do have the impression that ovaries are pretty small. I relaxed a bit when the doctor told me that wasn't a lot and she's seen some women with hundreds of follicles in there. So that's a plus.
[I feel like I should put a disclaimer in here, because I am in no way a PCOS genius. The description provided above is what the main takeaways for me are. People with PCOS have different symptoms and different issues. And honestly, compared to some issues I could I have gotten, I think I lucked out a bit. When I was first diagnosed a read a lot about it and kind of freaked myself out. So I decided to take a more laid back and relaxed stance on it. I try to follow my doctor's recommendations and enjoy the life I have as much as possible.]
Before my diagnosis I thought it was pretty sweet that I would only have maybe one period while everyone else had gone through their cycles two or three times. I never knew it was a problem. And I remember thinking when I was first starting birth control that it was going to suck bleeding EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. But whatever, the birth control would help regulate my hormones and keep my uterine lining from getting too thick, (I warned you about the TMI) so I started popping "the pill" each night before bed.
The first few times I skipped a period, meaning I took the week of sugar pills but never bleed, I was worried. Then it happened again. And again. How is something that is supposed to force my body to have periods still not making that work? Are my lady parts that screwed up?
I goggled it (the most legit way to find answers to anything obviously) and then followed up with the Gyno at my next appointment. Apparently it's not that big of a deal. It happens to some people. My doctor said that the birth control is regulating my hormones. And that even if I don't bleed it's better to keep taking them and let them regulate everything instead of leaving it up to my body and taking the risk of that uterine lining building up and potentially leading to other, potentially more dangerous, issues down the road. And that the pills are in control basically, so if there's lining to "shed", it'll "shed". (side note: we seriously need some better terms for periods. Not necessarily cute and flower terms, just some sort of upgrade.) So, moral of the story, blood or no blood I just keep taking that little pill each night and wait till week 4 to see what happens.
Now back to what prompted this post (aka overshare)....
As I was driving home realizing I was 4 sugar pills into another bloodless period, I started thinking about pregnancy. Sure, I've got a bunch of steps between where I'm at in life now until I need to worry about pregnancy, but I'm a planner and a thinker, so that's what I was doing. I started thinking about how my doctor had told me that stopping birth control (as in once I'm married and trying to get pregnant) may actually help me be more fertile because my hormones have been regulated by the birth control so they'll be used to running through the normal 28 day cycle each month. This thought was followed by me wondering how I would know I was pregnant. The obvious answer I thought of was "you'll be late or miss a period so you'll take a pregnancy test". That thought was quickly followed by, "if you're not having regular periods (even while on birth control) how will I know? Will this mean that month after hopeful month I will buy and take pregnancy tests only to get another negative?"
The thought was a crushing blow.
Not because it was a new concept - not being able to have children. I've thought about that a lot over the last year and a half, and even before then from time to time. I am a huge proponent of adoption, but of course I would love to carry my children. I want to experience that part of life. But at the end of the day I know that being pregnant and literally giving birth to a child is not the only path to motherhood. If I won't be able to have children, well that will suck. A lot. But, if my future husband agrees, we'll go down every other path we can to have a family. But this experience wasn't about that.
So let me get back to what it was about.
What made this time hurt especially bad was because I could literally see myself - each and every month that again I didn't start bleeding - wondering, getting excited, hoping that this would be the month. And I could see myself taking the test, anxiously waiting trying to occupy myself for the few minutes it takes to get the results, and then looking at another negative reading. Because I don't bleed like normal I wouldn't have a warning indicator. Each month would seem like a "late period". Only to feel that crushing blow. Month after month.
I cried the rest of my drive home.
*****
I know there are a thousand different reasons why this may not end up happening in my future. And maybe it was stupid to even think it in the first place. But in that moment it felt so real. It was a clear vision of a potential and heartbreaking time. One that I hope I don't have to face. But who knows what's to come in life. Maybe I had this experience as a warning to give me comfort that there is a greater plan if something like this does happen at some point. Maybe it is to make me even more grateful if I don't struggle with pregnancy. I just don't know.
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