Hello from the outside

So I just did a quick review of all the blogs I have links to and guess what.... NO ONE blogs anymore. hahahaha

Apparently if you're not a paid mommy/fitness/fashion blogger you're not doing it at all. Except me of course. I'm just so unique. Or bored. You can decide that.

But one interesting thing to note is that the majority of people quit blogging around the same time and it was YEARS ago. So thank goodness for Facebook and Instagram or else we'd have no clue what each other were up to.

Sunday Thinking

As I'm sitting here in the sacrament meeting of the Ysa ward my records are in I keep debating with myself if I really need to stay for all 3 hours of church. Normally I go to a family/MSA ward in downtown Dallas that I love and have a bunch of friends in and I never think about leaving that ward early. But man, I really struggle with the YSA ward. 

It made me think about how many times throughout the years I've sat in meetings discussing how many people come to sacrament meeting and then don't stay for the other 2 hours. I never understood that. How hard can it be to just sit somewhere for a few hours once a week? Well it's safe to say I now get it. 

And as I was sitting here thinking this I kind of mentally chuckled at my young self who didn't "get it". Oh how much wiser I am now. Now I know. But maybe that's not it....

Maybe it has a lot more to do with where I'm at spiritually than where I'm at in age. I feel like my testimony is still strong, but maybe these feelings are a sign that I've got some real work to do. 

Just some food for thought on this Sunday. 

***Update***

Not only did I decide to stay for all 3 meetings, but I was also extended (and accepted) a calling, met the Relief Society President, and found out she is my visiting teacher. Things just got real. 

Why some questions don’t matter

Yesterday I went to lunch with some of my new coworkers. On the way back to the office we stopped at Starbucks where the fact that I, a Mormon, don’t drink coffee or tea was brought up. During that conversation I did mentioned that I drink soda – particularly Dr. Pepper – which of course spurred the question “Why is soda okay to drink, but coffee and tea aren’t?” And even though I’ve been Mormon my whole life and asked this question before, I gave such a crappy answer this time that it’s been bugging me since yesterday.

In all reality I didn’t really even give an answer. Because to be fair I have the reasons I’ve rattled off before (no hot/strong drinks – but then there are exceptions, avoid addictive substances – it can be argued soda is also addictive, etc.) but for me I just don’t think about it that hard. I’ve come to terms with the fact there are multiple practices or policies in the Mormon Church that I don’t fully understand. Sometimes I wonder if those things could ever lead me away from membership in the Church. And if you know me well, I’d guess you’re surprised to know I have thoughts like that. But I do. And I think it’s normal. And I think it’s healthy.

But here is the clincher… I don’t stay down that path of doubt for long.

It’s hard not to get caught up thinking about things like the particulars of the Word of Wisdom specially coffee and tea (because I do think avoiding alcohol and drugs makes complete sense), the practice of polygamy, how we live forever in eternity, and other similar big-scale issues. And try as I might some of those things just don’t make any sense to me.

But here is what I DO know.

I know that I have a Heavenly Father. I know that He loves and cares about me. And I also know He loves and cares for all of His children. With our limited viewpoint it’s hard to understand how He can love us all equally when we are given such different opportunities and circumstances in this life, but I know that in His infinite fairness it will all be equaled out in the end.

I know that Heavenly Father answers my prayers. Not all of them. And not right away. But He does hear and answer when He can. I think sometimes I’m not ready for the answer. Or sometimes it may depend on another person’s agency and therefore He can’t give me the answer I’m looking for. But He has answered enough of my prayers and provided comfort in the moments I’ve needed it most to know that He hears and tries to help me.

I know that the organization of the Church is an inspired thing. As a Type A personality I love the organizational structure of the Church. It totally falls in line with the fact that our Father in Heaven is a God of order. Sometimes we muddy up the structure a bit, but the overall design and implementation is amazing. I give a large amount of credit for the person I’ve become to the organization of the Church and the fact that it is run by the members in the wards and branches. It pushed me out of my shell and taught me how to be a leader. It has taught (and will continue to teach me) how to work in difficult situations and with different personality types. It helped me improve my public speaking skills by giving me the opportunity at a young age to get up in front of people and speak – either off the cuff by bearing my testimony or as a written talk. As I got older and realized how unique an experience that is for young kids my testimony was strengthened even more in the power of the Church to improve all aspects of our lives, not just our spiritual nature.

I know that I feel the spirit when I read my scriptures regularly. As an adult this habit has been really hard for me to maintain. But this year I’ve really tried to rededicate myself to do this and I have received more answers to questions or thoughts I’ve had than ever before. So many times it’s a thought that comes to mind or a phrase in a passage that sticks out in ways it never did before. I’m amazed at how unrelated passages in the scripture can provide answers to questions I’d been thinking about and typically when I’m least expecting it.

I know Priesthood Blessing are real. Again, it always comes back to God’s timing which in a lot of ways seems like an unfair caveat to always throw in there, but it’s true. I had an experience a few years back where I received a blessing that left all of us in the room expecting a fairly immediate answer. Months went by and that blessing wasn’t coming to fruition. I started to doubt. And I expressed my doubt one night to my sister. The very next day I received another and completely unrelated blessing by a new Bishopric member who knew nothing of the previous blessing or conversation I’d had the night before. However in his blessing he used the exact same wording I had used the night before when talking about the situation. It was a reminder to me that Heavenly Father remembers and will keep his promises when the time is right. I’ve also recently been thinking a lot about my Patriarchal Blessing. I reread it recently and I love how it can apply to different parts of our lives at different times. Mine is full of little reminders for me that I constantly need.

I know that I benefit from going to church each week. That’s not to say that every week I take away something great from church, but by the simple fact I got myself there and at least put myself where I’m supposed to be I am at least benefiting from obedience.

Most of the things I listed above can be found or lived even if I attended another church. So what keeps me Mormon? It’s the things I listed above and so many key doctrines found only in the Mormon church – continuing revelation through a living Prophet and Apostles just like in the days of Jesus Christ, eternal families & marriages, the innocence of little children and the fact they aren’t born damned until baptized, the ability to truly repent and gain forgiveness of our sins through the atonement of Jesus Christ, the blessings and spirit found in the temple and the fact we can do the work for those who have passed away so that all are given the opportunity to share in those blessings, and so many others.

So days when I get hung up on how to answer why it’s okay for me to drink soda but not coffee and tea don’t really matter to me. Those aren’t the things that make or break my testimony. Those are the habits I’ve developed because of my testimony. One of my new favorite scriptures sums it up perfectly…

“O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever.” – 2 Nephi 4:34

 

 

What it means…

Sometimes I ask myself what it means that I’m 29 and still single. And you know what I’ve determined…. It means NOTHING.

When I was younger I had a whole list of why I was still single….

• I’m not skinny enough
• I’m not pretty enough
• I don’t try hard enough to look my best every day
• I’m not kind enough
• I’m not Molly-Mormon enough
• I take bake guys treats enough

But you know what I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older…. That’s all crap.

I look around me and I see all the amazing people who are older and unmarried and you know what…

WE ARE AWESOME!

We have our unique qualities and different personalities and experiences. Those things don’t make us damaged or unlovable. They just make us – us.

Guess what, I am soft and fluffy, I don’t like wearing a lot of makeup, and there are many times I’d rather (and do) wear sweats and basic tees instead of heels and fancy tops. But in what world does that make me less deserving of love. None. The answer is none.

Somehow over the years I’ve been able to realize this fact and once I did it has really helped me feel good about myself regardless of what size of clothes I’m wearing or having another holiday pass by with having a boyfriend/fiancé/husband to celebrate it with. But what kills me is seeing my friends struggle with this issue. Because as great and deserving of love as I feel for myself, I have that same amount of conviction – if not more – for them.

The hard truth is that as more and more girls stay active in church and more guys fall away there will be a decent number of women who won’t get to marry in this life if we continue to hold out for a good Mormon boy. And yes, that totally sucks. And it doesn’t seem fair. Because it’s not. What makes certain people able to find love while some of us are constantly searching for it and wondering if we will ever have that opportunity? It’s not because we aren’t pretty enough or good enough. I know plenty of married people who aren’t that cute and aren’t that nice. Not that they aren’t good people, but they aren’t the two main things I used to tell myself were the reasons I wasn’t married or getting asked out on dates. And there a lot of beautiful and intelligent people who are still single. So then it must be something else.

And it is. It’s just life. And like most things in life we have a few options.

Option #1: Make a change – If you think being skinny will help you find love. Then work out more and eat better. Take make-up classes to learn new techniques. Find what clothes look best on you and rock them daily. Maybe this will work. Maybe you will find someone after doing all this, but maybe you won’t. Good thing there is more than one option.

Option #2: Make the most of what you’ve got – There is nothing wrong with wanting more. Especially as Mormon women we have thought about having husbands and children for as long as we can remember. For most of us it’s something we’ve always wanted. There’s nothing wrong with that. But we also have to remember that what we have now is good too. While we wait and hope and do what we can to prepare ourselves for that potential future I think it’s so imperative that we live in and enjoy the now. This is a time in our lives we will never get back. Instead of spending this time upset and wishing away the days in hope of a more fulfilled future, make today more fulfilling to you. Surround yourself with good friends, develop and improve new hobbies, find what you can control to make yourself happy and do it.

I think about this second option a lot. What do I want my life to look like? Do I want to remember all the time I spent feeling bad about myself and my body and being upset about the things that haven’t happened in my life? No. I really don’t. I want to make memories and have fun and surround myself with good friends. It was this line of thinking that led to my move to Texas. It’s thoughts like these that help me get out and be social when all I want to do is curl up in bed and watching Netflix all weekend. While I can’t control everything that happens in my life I can control some things.

That’s not to say I don’t have my down moments. Of course I do. I definitely cry more than I would like to admit. The other week I was playing a game called Cards Against Humanity with some friends. When it was my turn to pick the winning card I picked one that talked about being dead inside or having no emotions. Not going to lie, there is a big part of me that would love that. It would make the sad times so much easier if I couldn’t feel things like the desires for a husband and children. But sadly, I do have some feelings. And sometimes they get the better of me. In those times, I cry and let out whatever needs to be felt and then I stop. I try to think of all the amazing things I have in my life and I try to move on to the next thing.

But back to the issue that made me feel unlovable for so long… my body/looks.

I’ve noticed recently that everyone is talking about what diet and workout regimen they are on. So much time is spent talking about all the changes we are trying to make to our bodies. And not to be the healthiest we can be, but to be the fittest/most toned/skinniest we can be. Just within the last week I have had people at work and from my group of friends have full conversations about it. I can understand that people like to get tips about what has worked for other people, but sometimes I wonder if these discussions do more harm than good. The constant focus on what is wrong with our bodies and what we can do to get them to look like someone else’s occupies so much of our lives.

As I was thinking about this I stumbled across an Instagram post last night that deals with this topic. I don’t even know this person and the only reason I was on her account was because I was trying to figure out if the three girls on the video she posted (that showed up on my suggested posts) were triplets or not. Literally that was the only reason I started scoping out her posts. But then I read a post of hers where she noted she was trying to cut back from social media because of something she had recently read. Her Instagram name is lizzy.jensen and this is from her post….

“It was all triggered as I was reading a self-help book, when a little unassuming line stopped me in my tracks. ‘If your children grew up to have the life you have now, would you be happy for them?’ At first the answer seemed easy, yes! I love my life, and I’m so often overwhelmed with the blessings that God’s given our little family. But the question kept nagging at me. And so I had to ask myself again, ‘If my girls had my life–and what about if they thought about themselves and their bodies as I think about myself–would I be happy for them?’ And then the tears started falling. What if my girls were as hard on themselves, and as hard on their bodies as I’ve been on mine? What if they lose moments of happiness because they’re so worried they’re not skinny/pretty or whatever enough. No, if this is how they saw themselves, my heart would ache.”

I was so moved by that post.

I too started thinking about my life and wondering if I would be okay with it for my future children. Not the fact that I’m single, but rather with how I’m spending my time. With what I allow to occupy my thoughts. With the things I have control over. The talents I’m either wasting or trying to develop. Would I be happy for them or want better – want more for them? If nothing else, it helps to give me a new lens to look at my life with. To remind myself not to sell myself short.

At the end of the day we are all flawed in various ways. But we are also amazing in others. Our weaknesses don’t negate our strengths. And they don’t make us any less deserving of love. 

 

Just because others may not see your worth, don't ever let yourself forget it's there.

An Honest Look @ Life in Dallas

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my live in Dallas versus what my life was like when I was living in St. George. I haven’t second guessed my decision to move to Dallas by any means, but I do think about the differences between my life a year ago versus my life today. And I thought it might be interesting to record these thoughts here on my blog.

To be honest, I haven’t missed my life in St. George as much as I thought I might. Of course there are things and people I miss, but not to an extent that it makes me question my choice to leave. I knew when I came up with the idea of coming to Texas that moving is hard in general. This was the 3^rd time I’d moved away from my family (Provo for college, Los Angeles after college, and now Dallas) so I knew what to expect. But when I lived in Provo or even LA I could fairly easily hop in the car and be home in a matter of hours. That’s no longer the case and I wondered if that would impact feelings of home sickness. Thankfully it hasn’t.

Honestly it wasn’t until this week that I had the first thought of “Man, it sucks to be missing out on that.” My sister called me earlier this week and told me about an opportunity that she was presented with that was something we had talked about doing together one day if we ever got the chance. Well that day was here… for her. For the first time I was really bummed to not be there and be able to be a part of the conversation/invitation. So, naturally as I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve been thinking about other things I miss.

 

I miss my house a lot. As far as a first home goes, I did pretty good. Huge master bedroom, bathroom, & closet. Check. Large kitchen with plenty of cupboard space. Check. Well laid out floorplan. Check. Good neighborhood. Check. Decent sized yard. Check. Now of course the house did have its fair share of faults – teal carpets anyone. But as I’ve spent time looking at home options here in Texas I value more and more my first home and what a good place it was for me for those almost 3 years.

 

I miss parts of my old job. The airline industry is really interesting. It takes a while to understand, but in general it’s an awesome industry to be a part of. And SkyWest was really a well-oiled machine. They had good processes in place so although I had a TON of work I was responsible for, most things worked together to help me get it done in an effective manner. I miss that. I’ve discovered that for me (and probably most people) we tend to compare our new situations with the best of the old situation – meaning I never compare my current set-up/understanding with how it was when I first got to SkyWest, but rather I compare it to when I had been there for years and knew the industry and processes and people I needed to get information from. So, basically it’s not a fair comparison. And while I will say I miss SkyWest and think fondly of my time there, I’m not far enough removed to want to go back. I knew what work was in the pipeline there, and I don’t want to deal with it. J 

 

I miss my nieces and nephews. For so many years they filled the gap that not having my own children yet had created. They gave me the snuggles and love I wasn’t getting anywhere else. And it was great. I was a big part of their life and they were a big part of mine. I REALLY miss that. FaceTime is great, but it’s just not the same.

 

And now Dallas.

I was lucky enough to meet a girl here at church the first Sunday who has become one of my very good friends. She quickly and somewhat seamlessly brought me into her circle of friends who have somehow now become my group. I’ve also been able to reconnect with some friends I made years ago at BYU. It’s crazy how all these years later we can pick back up and the friendships last. Plus I met another girl who up and decided to move to Dallas out of the blue who is one of my favorite people. We have already done so many fun things together. I’ve been lucky to have great friends from all stages of life, but (with a few exceptions) I honestly think my friendships now are the best ones I’ve had since my college besties. I feel very much myself with my new friends.

To be honest, Dallas is not the Mormon-Meca that for some reason I had convinced myself it was. There aren’t single Mormon guys lining the cultural hall walls – shocking I know. But one things I’ve discovered is that “singleness” doesn’t feel as daunting here as it did in St. George. I’m going to say that’s because of the small town vibe of St. George where if you’re not married then what are you doing with your life. Once when I was in Young Women’s one of my fellow leaders asked the girls if they were going to go on a mission or get married. I quickly spoke up and reminded them that there are more options than that (*cough* college & career *cough*). So let me tell you what I’m doing with my life. I’m killing it in my career. I’m looking to buy my second home – again by myself and will be paying for it myself. I’m filling my time with good friends and fun events. I’m making memories and Instagraming away. So yeah, my life may be different than the mom life I had imagined growing up and that many of my friends are living, but it’s still a life. And it’s a pretty great one.

Dallas is never boring. There are always so many things to do. I’m pretty sure my social calendar hasn’t been this active since the college days. It’s exhausting and so much fun all at the same time. Plus I keep thinking of things I want to do but have to find the time to do them – take piano lessons, become scuba certified, get a concealed weapon permit, and find adult dance classes to take (hip-hop probably) just to name a few.

Plus Dallas feels more hopeful. Not in the “I’m totally going to find my husband and live happily ever after here” kind of way, but rather in a “land of opportunity and adventure” kind of way. So there’s enough here to keep me busy and happy no matter what happens in life. And, if that ever changes, there’s nothing stopping me from packing up and trying somewhere new.

When a frister just gets ya

Last night I got an awesome birthday gift in the mail from my frister (such a good friend she’s practically a sister). It wasn’t anything big, but it showed how well she actually knows me. I loved it and am so lucky to have such a good friend!

Random Thoughts

Here is a list of the random thoughts in my head lately. In no particular order.

Cruises are the best vacations ever. They are relaxing and easy. And once you get on the ship it’s like everything is taken care of for you – food, room cleaning, movement between destinations, entertainment, and did I mention food. I definitely need to do a longer cruise for my next one. These 3 day cruises just aren’t long enough.

I held a dolphin like a baby and basically hugged another one. It was amazing.

Being 29 feels just like 28.

When I was in college I determined 28 would be a good age to get married. Whoops, botched that plan.

Being single has its perks. For example, I can spend my money however I want. Fun vacations? Definitely. Online shopping? You betcha. Pampering myself with mani/pedis and massages. Why not. That’s not to say blowing through my money is cool or my plan, but I can do fun stuff with some of the extra. Also, I really do love the freedom of being single. I don’t have to account to anyone about where I’m going, what I’m doing, when I’ll be back. It’s pretty nice.

I love my life in Dallas. There’s always something to do. My new friends are awesome. Reconnecting with my old college friends who live here now has been great. I just feel like there are so many more possibilities. I can’t wait to buy a house here and make things more permanent!

I think my job at SkyWest kind of ruined me (not in a bad way). I was SO busy all the time there. I had so many responsibilities that rested almost solely on my shoulders that I felt like I was always playing catch-up. And while that was stressful at times, that was the workload I got used to after years of doing it. It wasn’t necessarily long/late hours, but rather it was a pretty jam packed day. And just about every day was like that. Now that I’ve been at two other companies I see how rare that experience was. I have so much less on my plate these days I almost find myself bored trying to come up with things to fill my time. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just an adjustment I’m working through. Instead of just churning out reports and returns I’m thinking ahead about how I can improve processes and creating workpapers from scratch that I’ll potentially use for years to come. It’s definitely a completely different style of work. And I still find it so weird that I can be paid more money for less work and less responsibility.

Not gonna lie, I’m a little worried about this new virus I’ve seen popping up, the Zika virus, because I came back from my cruise with a ton of bug bites and apparently this virus can be spread by mosquito bites. – Actually, I just read some news articles on this virus and apparently its main concern is for pregnant women. So I’m fine. Phew.

I started watching that new show The People vs. OJ Simpson last night. Since I was so young when it actually happened 20+ years ago I didn’t really know much besides what everyone else knows – that OJ killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson. I was so surprised to learn more facts about the situation last night from the first of this 10-part series. It’s so insane to me that OJ got away with brutally murdering his wife and another man when there was so much evidence that he did it. And especially after years of physical abuse he committed against Nicole that had been reported to law enforcement. Such a tragic story. I’ll definitely be watching the rest of the mini-series!

In other TV news, The Bachelor. First off, I think Ben is a hottie – obviously. I’m curious to know what he’s like in real life, because I think he comes off a little boring on the show, but hey at least he’s not a douche like Juan Pablo. I think like most people I have a love/hate relationship with this show. I find all the drama completely ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. Two dates with a guy, a bunch of other girls, and a full tv crew and you’re in love? That seems about right. Do they even talk about more than how they are there for the right reasons? Anyways, all the viewers have seen plenty of crazy Olivia these past few weeks and for the first time it was brought to Ben’s attention this week. Will he see it? Will he care? Will producers let him kick her off the show even if he wants to? Who are we kidding, we all know she isn’t going anywhere. My current favorites are Lauren B. (of course), Lauren H. (although I’m constantly thinking her name is Leah and I actually think she’s going to end up in the friend-zone), and Amanda (who was never actually a teen mom). Amanda’s super sweet voice reminds me a lot of Emily Maynard’s voice, but I think Amanda is very genuine so I can deal with the squeakiness. And who doesn’t love Becca. Am I right? I think she’ll make the top 4, but I don’t see her with Ben in the end. I do think there is a very good chance JoJo will be the dark horse of this season similar to how Catherine was in Sean’s season. She was practically invisible the majority of the season and then bam, she’s the one. I wouldn’t be surprised for a similar situation to happen like that for Ben and JoJo. Well, I officially think I’ve spent too much time on The Bachelor. My bad.

Winter. I’m over you. I want sun and warm weather please. I have too many cute summer shoes that are being neglected.

I have a cracked windshield and my Brazilian Blowout and roots have grown out. I’m trying to decide which big purchase to take care of first. I’ve been debating which one will cost more and have concluded they will probably be about the same amount. Regardless, I have a feeling my hair will win out. I need to go back to more blonde. This darker hair is boring.

Ok, maybe that’s enough random thoughts for today.