When I was younger I had a whole list of why I was still
single….
- I’m not skinny enough
- I’m not pretty enough
- I don’t try hard enough to look my best every day
- I’m not kind enough
- I’m not Molly-Mormon enough
- I take bake guys treats enough
But you know what I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older…. That’s
all crap.
I look around me and I see all the amazing people who are
older and unmarried and you know what…
WE ARE AWESOME!
We have our unique qualities and different personalities
and experiences. Those things don’t make us damaged or unlovable. They just
make us – us.
Guess what, I am soft and fluffy, I don’t like wearing a
lot of makeup, and there are many times I’d rather (and do) wear sweats and
basic tees instead of heels and fancy tops. But in what world does that make me
less deserving of love. None. The answer is none.
Somehow over the years I’ve been able to realize this
fact and once I did it has really helped me feel good about myself regardless
of what size of clothes I’m wearing or having another holiday pass by with
having a boyfriend/fiancé/husband to celebrate it with. But what kills me is
seeing my friends struggle with this issue. Because as great and deserving of
love as I feel for myself, I have that same amount of conviction – if not more –
for them.
The hard truth is that as more and more girls stay active
in church and more guys fall away there will be a decent number of women who
won’t get to marry in this life if we continue to hold out for a good Mormon boy.
And yes, that totally sucks. And it doesn’t seem fair. Because it’s not. What
makes certain people able to find love while some of us are constantly
searching for it and wondering if we will ever have that opportunity? It’s not
because we aren’t pretty enough or good enough. I know plenty of married people
who aren’t that cute and aren’t that nice. Not that they aren’t good people,
but they aren’t the two main things I used to tell myself were the reasons I
wasn’t married or getting asked out on dates. And there a lot of beautiful and intelligent
people who are still single. So then it must be something else.
And it is. It’s just life. And like most things in life
we have a few options.
Option #1: Make a change – If you think being skinny will
help you find love. Then work out more and eat better. Take make-up classes to
learn new techniques. Find what clothes look best on you and rock them daily.
Maybe this will work. Maybe you will find someone after doing all this, but
maybe you won’t. Good thing there is more than one option.
Option #2: Make the most of what you’ve got – There is
nothing wrong with wanting more. Especially as Mormon women we have thought
about having husbands and children for as long as we can remember. For most of
us it’s something we’ve always wanted. There’s nothing wrong with that. But we
also have to remember that what we have now is good too. While we wait and hope
and do what we can to prepare ourselves for that potential future I think it’s
so imperative that we live in and enjoy the now. This is a time in our lives we
will never get back. Instead of spending this time upset and wishing away the days
in hope of a more fulfilled future, make today more fulfilling to you. Surround
yourself with good friends, develop and improve new hobbies, find what you can
control to make yourself happy and do it.
I think about this second option a lot. What do I want my
life to look like? Do I want to remember all the time I spent feeling bad about
myself and my body and being upset about the things that haven’t happened in my
life? No. I really don’t. I want to make memories and have fun and surround
myself with good friends. It was this line of thinking that led to my move to
Texas. It’s thoughts like these that help me get out and be social when all I want
to do is curl up in bed and watching Netflix all weekend. While I can’t control
everything that happens in my life I can control some things.
That’s not to say I don’t have my down moments. Of course
I do. I definitely cry more than I would like to admit. The other week I was
playing a game called Cards Against Humanity with some friends. When it was my
turn to pick the winning card I picked one that talked about being dead inside
or having no emotions. Not going to lie, there is a big part of me that would
love that. It would make the sad times so much easier if I couldn’t feel things
like the desires for a husband and children. But sadly, I do have some
feelings. And sometimes they get the better of me. In those times, I cry and
let out whatever needs to be felt and then I stop. I try to think of all the
amazing things I have in my life and I try to move on to the next thing.
But back to the issue that made me feel unlovable for so
long… my body/looks.
I’ve noticed recently that everyone is talking about what
diet and workout regimen they are on. So much time is spent talking about all
the changes we are trying to make to our bodies. And not to be the healthiest
we can be, but to be the fittest/most toned/skinniest we can be. Just within
the last week I have had people at work and from my group of friends have full
conversations about it. I can understand that people like to get tips about
what has worked for other people, but sometimes I wonder if these discussions
do more harm than good. The constant focus on what is wrong with our bodies and
what we can do to get them to look like someone else’s occupies so much of our
lives.
As I was thinking about this I stumbled across an Instagram
post last night that deals with this topic. I don’t even know this person and the
only reason I was on her account was because I was trying to figure out if the
three girls on the video she posted (that showed up on my suggested posts) were
triplets or not. Literally that was the only reason I started scoping out her
posts. But then I read a post of hers where she noted she was trying to cut
back from social media because of something she had recently read. Her Instagram name is lizzy.jensen and this is from
her post….
“It was all triggered as I was reading a self-help book,
when a little unassuming line stopped me in my tracks. ‘If your children grew
up to have the life you have now, would you be happy for them?’ At first the
answer seemed easy, yes! I love my life, and I’m so often overwhelmed with the
blessings that God’s given our little family. But the question kept nagging at
me. And so I had to ask myself again, ‘If my girls had my life–and what about
if they thought about themselves and their bodies as I think about myself–would
I be happy for them?’ And then the tears started falling. What if my girls were
as hard on themselves, and as hard on their bodies as I’ve been on mine? What
if they lose moments of happiness because they’re so worried they’re not
skinny/pretty or whatever enough. No, if this is how they saw themselves, my
heart would ache.”
I was so moved by that post.
I too started thinking about my life and wondering if I
would be okay with it for my future children. Not the fact that I’m single, but
rather with how I’m spending my time. With what I allow to occupy my thoughts.
With the things I have control over. The talents I’m either wasting or trying
to develop. Would I be happy for them or want better – want more for them? If
nothing else, it helps to give me a new lens to look at my life with. To remind myself not to
sell myself short.
At the end of the day we are all flawed in various ways.
But we are also amazing in others. Our weaknesses don’t negate our strengths.
And they don’t make us any less deserving of love.
Just because others may not see your worth, don't ever let yourself forget it's there.
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