Let's Catch Up...

I've been MIA from the blog for the past few months. That was on purposes. When I have a lot going on in my head, I am hesitant to say (or in this case write) too much for fear of letting something slip before I should or because I don't want to feel like I'm lying by avoiding the subject and finding ways to talk around it. So the reason for all the quietness was FINALLY made official/public last week.

I'm moving back to St. George!

After multiple conversations with my former employer in St. George (SkyWest Airlines) we reached an agreement for me to come back and work there again. Surprised? Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all.

The best part is, if you follow my blog at all you'll know that not too many posts back I wrote a whole post on why I'm so happy I moved out of St. George and how I don't think I'll ever move back there.

So, why the sudden change?

Well, there were a lot of factors that went into my decision to move back. I'll try to list them here as honestly as I can. But to be clear, it hasn't been an easy decision. And even after I made it, I've had many times where I've doubted my choice. However, I feel like there have been multiple promptings along the way that help me feel more confident in my decision. I'll get into that too later on in this post.

As my mind has been all over the place the last few months as I've worked through this decision I'll (hopefully) try to keep this list a little more organized. Best way to do that.... bullet points of course. :)

• Family: If you know me well, you'll know this falls on both the pro and con side of my decision. lol Of course I love my family. But I don't always get along with my family. I know that I am not my normal/best self around them (with the exception of when I'm with my sister Amber, I can very easily be my comfortable self with her). While there are multiple reason for this and I'll say actions on both parts that lead to me not being my best self with them, I really struggle with the fact I don't feel like my family tries to see or know the me I am today. They take things I say out of context, or take something I said/did when I was 15 and think that's how I still feel/see the world today, and sometimes create their own entire story about who I am and how I live. Maybe part of that is because I'm not my "best/true self" around them. But honestly, part of that is because I don't necessarily trust them to get to see that side of me. Trust is huge with me. I've been burned by friends (and family) in the past, so instead of putting myself out there to experience that again I try to keep parts of myself hidden until I really feel comfortable and trust someone. Sure I may be an open book about a lot of silly things, but truly important things I don't care to share with just anyone. Wow, I really got off topic there. And all those thoughts could really be a whole other blog post all of their own. BUT the point is, I am excited to be back near family again. It was harder than I expected to be SO far away. Before, when I lived in Provo or LA, I could easily hop in the car and be home in a few hours. Now it's either 2 days in the car or a sometimes pricey flight and lots of coordination to get home. That was huge pain in the butt. Also, I've lived in Dallas for almost a year now and no one in my family has been out to visit. That has sucked. I understand why they haven't come out (it's not easy or cheap) but still it made it kind of hard. The other downside of living so far away is that I use so much vacation just going home for family things (holidays, baptisms, etc.). Obviously I'm choosing (sort of #guilt) to use my vacation days this way, but I still hate it. Another big reason is that I have missed my nieces and nephews. While I worry about them and their activities taking over my life again, I've missed them so much. They really help fill a spot in my life that not having kids of my own leaves empty. They're crazy and exhausting and I have different relationships with all 13 of them, but I miss them! I actually found a house to rent in my sister's neighborhood/HOA. It's a few streets over so we're not right next door, but Kruzzi has already told me he'll be riding his bike to my house all the time and Savvi has plans to walk over and have sleepovers. :) And since Amber is the Primary President in her/my new ward she has already warned me that I should anticipate a Primary calling, so we'll see what happens with that. It should be an interesting year. (After a year I'll reevaluate and see if I want to look for places on the other side of town closer to where my old house was, or stay on the same side as the fam. Time will tell on that one.) Moral of the story, family is one reason I'm moving back.
• Career: I feel like there is this internal struggle inside of me when it comes to my career. On one hand, I am very education oriented and career focused. I spent so much time and money getting my degrees and starting my career in one of the bigger offices of one of the top 4 accounting firms in the country. And I take a lot of pride in that. When I was at SkyWest the first time I felt like I was really stunted in my career. There wasn't really a lot of growth potential for me and more likely than not there never really would be. Maybe a little advancement down the road, but not much. Because there's the part of me that feels gung-ho about making the most of my degrees/training I struggled with this plateau in my career. Dallas gave me a fresh start with that. There were endless possibilities and career options here in Dallas. I could literally advance and progress in my career as far as I wanted. But over the past year I was reminded of the counterpart to my career-driven side. It's the part of me that believes career isn't everything. Don't get me wrong I love to work hard and do a good job in my career, but I don't have that big of a desire to climb the corporate ladder all the way to the top. I want to work hard, accomplish a lot during the day, but then go home at the end of the work day and really enjoy my life. Fill that time with other activities I enjoy versus putting in more hours in the office to try and advance my career. So yes, I am moving back to a town where my career options are limited. I know that. I will watch friends from the accounting program continue to kill it in their careers and reach titles I may never reach, but I've come to terms with that. They will have sacrificed for those titles. And I will reap other benefits in life in lieu of big fancy titles. (Side note, I am happy with the title I am going back to SkyWest with - Senior Manager of Tax. That is a great spot to be in at this stage of my career. But I'm also going back with the understanding that this will most likely remain my title for the foreseeable future. So while my friends in public accounting continue to advance every few years, I will not be on that same trajectory. Again, something I have realized over these past 12 months I am fine trading for the work/life balance and steady job I will be enjoying.)
• Anonymity: Clearly this list will contain the good and bad aspects of my decision to move back. This one is definitely on the bad side. I have LOVED the freedom that comes with living somewhere you don't know people. To be fair, I feel like I do a pretty good job of not caring what other people think of me. But at the same time, I don't feel the need to call attention to myself all the time. Being single and older is tricky. I still want to go out and do stuff, but I don't always want to try and find someone who wants to do that same things I want to do and then try to coordinate schedules with people. So, the only option is to just go out and do stuff by myself. Which I don't mind doing one little bit. But I'm not gonna lie, there is way more awkwardness doing stuff alone in a small town versus a large one. No facts about me are different. I'm still single. I'm still alone. I'm still awesome. But there is more of an awkwardness factor there. I think that will just be something I'll have to get over once and for all when I move back. But I will miss things like going and getting a massage and knowing there is no connection between the masseuse and anyone I know or went to high school with. I don't know why that one weirds me out so much, but it really does.
• Church: I guess this one fits in both categories too. While "the Church" is the same everywhere, the people are different (obviously). I grew up a Utah Mormon. I think there is a lot of good that comes with that, but I also think there is some bad that comes with it as well. I think Utah Mormons are so engrossed in the Church culture it's really hard to separate "the Church" from "the people who attend church." There feels to be more of a watchdog feel to life in Utah. That may just be my perception, but let me give an example to explain my thoughts. When I was living in St. George a few years ago, one of my best friends from LA came out to visit me with her boyfriend. Now, Gospel standards - keep the Sabbath day holy. One way I really strive to do that is to not go out to eat or shop on Sunday. Clearly I make exceptions when I'm traveling, but typically if I'm at my home I try to live by those guidelines. Well when my friend was visiting really the only time we could have gone to a meal together was Sunday afternoon. But it's a small town and I didn't want anyone to see me out and think I wasn't being a "good Mormon" so I didn't go to eat with them. Looking back I think that was such a stupid decision. Do I think I'll go to Hell if I eat out on a Sunday? If that was the case, I'd for sure be going there anyways so what's the point. I think it's important to strive to live your beliefs daily, but I do believe in a loving and understanding Heavenly Father is has no intention of writing me off for eating out on a Sunday. That being said, it's not a habit I ever intend to get into, but in certain circumstances I think it's fine. Why I brought up that example for this comparison is because there have been 2 times since moving to Dallas that I have willingly eaten out on a Sunday. Some people may think twice in a year isn't that big of a deal, but for me it really is. And it's a big indicator to me of how I choose to live in a Mormon intensive city versus outside of it. But there's another, more important, difference when it comes to church that I've noticed. Outside of Utah, I attend church like normal and participate here and there, but inside Utah I am more of a leader. All of my leadership roles in church - Relief Society President, Relief Society Counselors, Young Women's President - have come to me while living in Utah. I don't know what it is, but in Utah I'm a leader and outside of Utah I'm just not. And I really enjoy/miss those leadership roles (even though they are exhausting and difficult at times. #keepingitreal).
• Travel: I really thought I'd still travel occasionally. Obviously that would have been easier had I stayed at American Airlines, but I didn't. And most of my travels this past year have been for family stuff. It isn't necessarily buying the tickets that has been the issue as much as having someone to travel with (another curse of being single). It's a lot easier to travel with flight benefits, because instead of coordinating a trip with someone else, you just hope on a plane and go to wherever they are. I'm REALLY exciting about being able to travel easily(ish) again. Right now my top travel places are Scandinavia (Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland), Australia, New York, and Chicago. But with winter coming some of those may have to wait till next summer. 
• Work: I guess I already touched on the career aspect above, but this is different than that. Working in Dallas was a HUGE eye-opener for me. Before SkyWest I was working at PwC in LA. My work schedule was insane. I was busy all the time. That's what I was trained for. That's what I was used to. When I went to SkyWest I maintained much of that work level. Obviously I didn't have to work the overtime that was required at PwC, but my days were still fairly packed full of work to do and get out the door. I had A LOT of responsibilities and usually only had down time if I was putting something unimportant off for another day. Work in Dallas has been really opposite of that. There wasn't the workload or sense of urgency I had at SkyWest. For the first time since starting my career I had to find ways to kill time to last through 8 hours at work. I finally got a taste for what I've come to discover is how a lot of people spend time at work - surfing the web, online shopping, reading/writing blogs. While it was nice at moments, overall it was so BORING. Like I mentioned early I like to be really productive at work. I like getting things accomplished and out the door. I want to come in, work hard for 8 hours, and leave. Killing time at work is torture to me. Another thing I learned is that I really enjoy the airline industry (but that not all airlines are created the same). Where I live there are planes overhead constantly. I found myself always staring up trying to see which airline the plane belonged to. It's an industry I really enjoy and I love talking to other people in the industry. It's impossible to talk to someone who works in the airline industry and not talk about vacation and travel ideas. I love it. I want to hear about all the cool places someone has been and get tips for any upcoming travels I have planned. I can't wait to get back to that. One last item to talk about when it comes to work is the people. I walked away from Caliber with some AMAZING friendships. I text with two of my coworkers constantly which I hope continues! And I cannot leave out my boss from Caliber. She was the best. We both talked about how the other one was like a second mom/daughter to us. She was very smart and good at her job, but more than that she was an awesome person. She had the best perspective on work/life balance of any high-level person I've known (not only for herself but also for the people working below her - aka me). She was kind, and caring, and made me feel extremely appreciated and validated for all the work I did. She is definitely the kind of boss I want to be someday. Saying that, I have to note that my boss at SkyWest is also great. He's way different than my boss at Caliber was, but one thing I'm really excited about is that he and I think very similarly when it comes to work stuff. And because of that we work together and understand each other from a work standpoint really well. I'm definitely sad to not have the regular personal connection with my boss here in Dallas, but I'm excited to learn more from my boss in St. George and he's also been great (in different ways) over the years. Comparing the two doesn't really work because it's like apples and grapes. Similar but different. (I didn't use apples and oranges because I don't like oranges so it would have been a skewed comparison.)
• Hobbies: I feel like there's a lot of little hobbies that will be easier for me to do in St. George. Because I'm spending less time in my car commuting and just getting to places I'll have more time to actually do stuff. There's so many things I want to do at some point - take piano lessons, help coach cheer, maybe go to hair school at night, maybe teach a night class at the college, get into painting/crafts more, etc. I feel like because of the personal connections in a small town some of those things may be easier to make a realty in St. George. Not saying they all will happen, but maybe one day.
• Marriage: This is an interesting one. I still believe finding someone I want to marry in St. George (that wants to marry me back) will be extremely difficult. I'm not just looking to get married because I don't want to be single anymore. I have no intentions of settling. I want to find someone I am compatible with. Who I feel like I am completely myself with and who accepts, loves, and understands me. Oh, and the Mormon thing is pretty important too. Actually I meant that more as a joke/aside, but I will say that since loosing my Dad that aspect of a guy has gained greater significance. Without my Dad here and both my brothers being inactive, we have no worthy Priesthood holders in my family. Which, to me, is pretty significant and pretty sad. I never want to wonder who will bless or baptize my future babies. I don't want myself or any future kids to not know who to ask for a blessing when needed/wanted (something I have struggled with since losing my Dad and especially since being in Dallas). So anyways, that was another tangent, but the point was that finding all those compatibility features includes someone who is committed to the Gospel and attending church on the regular. With that being sad, I think I needed to move to Dallas to realize finding someone to marry is going to be hard anywhere I go. Before moving out here I thought there would be a way bigger pool of single/eligible Mormon guys in Dallas. If there are, I haven't met them. So while I do think finding someone in St. George will be hard, I don't know that I think it will be harder than finding one anywhere else anymore. 
• Financials: I don't want to spend too much time on this one, but I just have to note that I think one of the main reasons I moved to Dallas was to help me out financially. I've mentioned before on this blog (I think) that poor choices in college and for years afterwards led to me getting into a significant amount of debt - credit cards and student loans. It was bad. I was making okay money, but still living paycheck to paycheck because of how much I was paying out each month just to make the minimum payment on my debt. I remember one time, I was so poor that I went out with on of my YW after mutual and I very awkwardly didn't pick up the bill for her treat, because I barely had enough in my account to cover my own. I think about that moment a lot. It's a position I NEVER want to be in again. And clearly it wasn't that long ago because I wasn't in YW's for very long. Selling my house and a few other money situations that went along with my move to Dallas completely wiped away my credit card debt, paid off a significant chunk of my student loans, and I was able to pay off my car. Dallas was the first time in my life I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck. It has been so freeing. I completely understand why Church leaders warn against debt. And while I still have some student loan debt, it doesn't hold the grip on me it once did. 
• Small town girl: Ugh, this one really gets me. And I think it has to do with the dichotomy I talked about before with my thoughts on career and whether I need to push all the way to the top or do what makes me happy even if it's not "reaching my full career potential". In my mind I'm more of a big city girl. I love all the restaurants and entertainment options. I love the anonymity. I love that big cities tend to pull more education/career focused people. I love the feel and sound of saying "I live in LA" or "I live in Dallas". But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm apparently a small town girl. I keep leaving big cities and ending up in small old St. George. As much as I don't really want to, I think it's just time to come to terms with the fact I might just be meant to be a small town girl. :(
• Friends: I have made some really good friends in Dallas that I am sad to be leaving. I will miss them! The other thing I wonder about is how it will be going back to St. George. Who am I going to hang out with? I had a pretty good group of friends I was hanging out with before moving to Texas, but after various events two of my closest friends from St. George I'm not really friends with any more. So I'm really not sure what it's going to be like moving back. Luckily I will have my family there if I have no one else to spend time with. (lol) But I do hope I can find a good group of friends that I feel like I genuinely connect with and enjoy spending time with.
• Promptings: There have been multiple times over the past few months that I've questioned my thoughts/feelings about moving back. As I'm sure you can tell from all the back and forth in this post the decision came with a lot of uncertainties and doubt. In the midst of these thoughts I kept getting promptings as I'd read my scriptures at night. A lot of versus about "trusting in the Lord" and "returning to the land of our fathers" kept standing out to me. And when I prayed about what I should do I kept getting the feeling that moving back was the right thing. And I trust my gut/the Spirit/intuition/promptings - whatever you want to call it. So even when leaving Caliber was hard, and doubts creep in about my decision, I've decided to rely on those promptings and trust that there was a reason for all of this.
• Dallas expectations vs. reality: The other question I've gotten a lot since announcing my move was "But I thought you liked Dallas?" I have liked Dallas.I've had a lot of great times here in Dallas. I have had some interesting opportunities here starting with the chance I had to switch jobs from American to Caliber after 2 months (thank goodness). I have good friends here. I've been lucky to get suite hook-ups at Rangers (Baseball) and Stars (hockey) games. But there have also been some challenges and unexpected situations here in Dallas. There are 3 things I for sure wont miss about Dallas - the weather, the drivers, and the bugs. For starters I was seriously mistaken about Texas weather. I don't know why, but I think because the only two times I had been in Texas it was sunny and warm. I guess I assumed it was always like that. I knew the humidity would take some getting used to, but really that hasn't bothered me that much/at all. It's the inconsistency. Texas weather is INSANELY temperamental. It will be sunny and clear in the morning and then a crazy thunder and hail storm in the afternoon. I've seen the weather forecast switch from a full week of thunderstorms, to a few scattered showers, to just sunny and hot in a matter of hours. And vice-versa of course. It's really hard to get used to. I'm from St. George. I need my hot and sunny summers. And the hail in Texas is unreal. I have seen some cars with hail damage and it is terrible! I am not sad to be leaving that. Now, Texas drivers. The worst! I've lived in Utah and California - two places known for bad drivers. But Texas takes the cake. I can't tell you how many times the car in front of me on the freeway came to a complete stop for legitimately no reason whatsoever. And should I mention the only real accident I've been in happened in Dallas? A 4 car pile-up (I was the front car - aka the innocent one) because people drive like crap here. And Texas has made me a worse/more scared driver. I hate it. Hopefully I'll get back to my old driving self when I get back to St. George. Oh the bugs here in Dallas. So gross!! They are just everywhere. And people act like it's so normal to find geckos in your house all the time. I do not like it. At least in St. George as long as you regularly get your house sprayed you should be critter-free. I can't wait for that! So yes, I have loved a lot of things about Texas. But there are some things I'm excited about leaving. There have been some other expectation vs. reality differences, but not any I want to get into here. So we'll just leave it at those ones. lol

This post ended up being way bigger than I planned, but I feel like I needed to articulate what led me to the decision to move back to Utah. Like I've said before, I have had conflicting feelings about it. And it's odd because I still have times where people ask me if I'm excited to move back and I'm hesitant to say yes. There is excitement, but there is also a weird feeling of wondering what it will be like to move back. But I know it's the right move and it's what I want/wanted. It'll be great.

While #TexasForever didn't end up happening I know moving to Dallas last year was the right thing at that time. If for no other reason, I think I needed to move to Dallas to change my financial situation, realize there isn't some big pool of single Mormon guys just waiting for me, and help me realize the career "path" I actually want. Now that I've learned those lessons, I guess it's time to go back. 

Wish me luck :)

Seriously?

After a lot of debate (and trial and error) and with much trepidation I've decided I need to put my records in and attend the YSA ward by my house. 

Today (which is really my first week back) is ward conference. And for Sunday School they brought in stake leaders to come talk with us. And by stake leaders I mean the stake young men's president and stake young women's president. I kid you not. 

Honestly, it's no wonder so many older singles leave the Church. It's not always a lack of testimony, it's a lack of belonging. I appreciate the experiences and knowledge these stake leaders have and can share with us, but it honestly just seems and comes off as though they are continuing to treats single ADULTS like YM/YW. 

I am 29 years old. I have a masters degree and over 6 years if experience in my career. I have lived away from home since I was 18 years old. I have moved multiple times on my own. I have traveled to across the world with just friends. I don't need or want to be treated like a teenager. 

I love the Church. And, as a whole, I love and truly do believe in the organization of the Church. But, I do not understand when people act like an 18 year old who got married and pregnant two seconds after graduating high school is more of an adult than me. If you don't believe this happens I can pretty much guess you got married early. You don't know what it's like to be seen as an outsider in a ward because you don't have stories of poopy diapers and lack of sleep. 

We, as members, HAVE to change. We have to understand that not everyone gets married and starts popping out babies. We have to find a way to make room for everyone and utilize everyone's talent and ability without putting people in boxes - sahm, the singles, divorcés, etc. 

As time goes on this will be more and more evident. There will be more of us staying single older who will feel like they don't belong. The truth is of course they belong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of inclusion and a place for us all to bring our talents and help move the gospel forward. We need to figure out how to make our wards more like the true gospel.

The sad truth is that if changes don't happen to the church culture we will start losing older singles. 

There's not one type of "good Mormon". We are a collective of individuals working towards a similar goal. I hope we find ways to make our wards feel more like that. 

(I guess I'll step down off my soapbox now and get back to listening to this YM/YW leaders. Wish me luck.)

Thinking Ahead

*Warning, this post gets pretty personal (and a bit TMI) on a subject I haven't opened up much about. It's something that's been on my mind for a few days now, and since I don't know what the future holds, I figured I would get these thoughts out now so I have them to look back on.

As I was driving home from work on Thursday I realized that although I started the sugar pills on Sunday I still haven't bleed at all. This isn't that odd to me anymore, I've skipped bleeding a number of months now since I started on birth control a year and a half ago. But this time my mind went somewhere else with those thoughts.

First, let me back up a bit.

As I am (what feels like) the oldest living virgin alive I kind of hate being on birth control. It feels like a waste. We all know abstinence is the best firm of birth control and I've got that down pat. However, at the beginning of 2015 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Very simply put, PCOS affects your hormones, how your body absorbs different foods, and your period. Instead of releasing eggs like normal, my ovaries start the process but don't finish. Lazy stinking ovaries. No follow-through. Instead of releasing the egg, there's this little hair follicle that grows and then just hangs out in my ovary forever. It's not something doctors go in and remove. They're tiny and not doing much except collecting in there. But because you're not ovulating normally it can make it harder to get pregnant. (One of most girls, and definitely one of my, biggest fears.) When I was first diagnosed I had 14 follicles in one ovary and 10 in the other. Not sure how many I have now, but I would assume more. When the doctor first told me how many I freaked out, because while I do not know much about the human body, I do have the impression that ovaries are pretty small. I relaxed a bit when the doctor told me that wasn't a lot and she's seen some women with hundreds of follicles in there. So that's a plus.

[I feel like I should put a disclaimer in here, because I am in no way a PCOS genius. The description provided above is what the main takeaways for me are. People with PCOS have different symptoms and different issues. And honestly, compared to some issues I could I have gotten, I think I lucked out a bit. When I was first diagnosed a read a lot about it and kind of freaked myself out. So I decided to take a more laid back and relaxed stance on it. I try to follow my doctor's recommendations and enjoy the life I have as much as possible.]

Before my diagnosis I thought it was pretty sweet that I would only have maybe one period while everyone else had gone through their cycles two or three times. I never knew it was a problem. And I remember thinking when I was first starting birth control that it was going to suck bleeding EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. But whatever, the birth control would help regulate my hormones and keep my uterine lining from getting too thick, (I warned you about the TMI) so I started popping "the pill" each night before bed.

The first few times I skipped a period, meaning I took the week of sugar pills but never bleed, I was worried. Then it happened again. And again. How is something that is supposed to force my body to have periods still not making that work? Are my lady parts that screwed up?

I goggled it (the most legit way to find answers to anything obviously) and then followed up with the Gyno at my next appointment. Apparently it's not that big of a deal. It happens to some people. My doctor said that the birth control is regulating my hormones. And that even if I don't bleed it's better to keep taking them and let them regulate everything instead of leaving it up to my body and taking the risk of that uterine lining building up and potentially leading to other, potentially more dangerous, issues down the road. And that the pills are in control basically, so if there's lining to "shed", it'll "shed". (side note: we seriously need some better terms for periods. Not necessarily cute and flower terms, just some sort of upgrade.) So, moral of the story, blood or no blood I just keep taking that little pill each night and wait till week 4 to see what happens.

Now back to what prompted this post (aka overshare)....

As I was driving home realizing I was 4 sugar pills into another bloodless period, I started thinking about pregnancy. Sure, I've got a bunch of steps between where I'm at in life now until I need to worry about pregnancy, but I'm a planner and a thinker, so that's what I was doing. I started thinking about how my doctor had told me that stopping birth control (as in once I'm married and trying to get pregnant) may actually help me be more fertile because my hormones have been regulated by the birth control so they'll be used to running through the normal 28 day cycle each month. This thought was followed by me wondering how I would know I was pregnant. The obvious answer I thought of was "you'll be late or miss a period so you'll take a pregnancy test". That thought was quickly followed by, "if you're not having regular periods (even while on birth control) how will I know? Will this mean that month after hopeful month I will buy and take pregnancy tests only to get another negative?"

The thought was a crushing blow.

Not because it was a new concept - not being able to have children. I've thought about that a lot over the last year and a half, and even before then from time to time. I am a huge proponent of adoption, but of course I would love to carry my children. I want to experience that part of life. But at the end of the day I know that being pregnant and literally giving birth to a child is not the only path to motherhood. If I won't be able to have children, well that will suck. A lot. But, if my future husband agrees, we'll go down every other path we can to have a family. But this experience wasn't about that.

So let me get back to what it was about.

What made this time hurt especially bad was because I could literally see myself - each and every month that again I didn't start bleeding - wondering, getting excited, hoping that this would be the month. And I could see myself taking the test, anxiously waiting trying to occupy myself for the few minutes it takes to get the results, and then looking at another negative reading. Because I don't bleed like normal I wouldn't have a warning indicator. Each month would seem like a "late period". Only to feel that crushing blow. Month after month.

I cried the rest of my drive home.

*****

I know there are a thousand different reasons why this may not end up happening in my future. And maybe it was stupid to even think it in the first place. But in that moment it felt so real. It was a clear vision of a potential and heartbreaking time. One that I hope I don't have to face. But who knows what's to come in life. Maybe I had this experience as a warning to give me comfort that there is a greater plan if something like this does happen at some point. Maybe it is to make me even more grateful if I don't struggle with pregnancy. I just don't know.

Getting back to me

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my years living in St. George. I’ve also thought a lot about my time leading up to moving back there and since moving away. With this post I’m going to try to articulate my feelings. I’m not totally sure why I feel like getting this out there is important, but it’s been on my mind so much that maybe it’s time to put it into actual words.

In the 3 ½ years I lived in St. George I created a pretty great life for myself. I had a job I could have probably stayed at for the rest of my career. I had a house that I loved (even with it flaws). I was in a great ward and had a calling that was insanely stressful but rewarding at the same time. I was able to be an integral part of my nieces and nephews lives. I was able to travel and see so new parts of the world. I had Leni & Fritz. When I think about all these things I feel lucky, but at the same time I am shocked at how quickly I let me life evolve into something I had never expected and had never even thought about whether I wanted it or not.

It started like a snowball effect. First came the house. I did have the goal to buy a house by the time I was 30. And to my habits, I did it sooner than anticipated at 25. Once I had the house I just seemed to create a life around the new/permanent me. It wasn’t like I was forced into anything. I was doing everything I thought at the time I wanted. I was back in good old St. George and making the most of it. I always said how easy living in St. George was (especially compared to life in Los Angeles). And it was. It was an easy life. It was easy to create this new plan for my future. A future that involved going to the same office with the same people day in and day out, eating at the same restaurants each week, lots of nights watching my nieces and nephews in their various extracurricular activities, and many night spent home alone. Thanks to Tinder I did go on a few dates here and there, but it was never with anyone I felt was actually a good match for me.

In a lot of ways, my life was pretty great. And it felt like a complete-ish life. Looking back at it now though I can see a lot of ways that it wasn’t the life I wanted.

If you asked me in college (or even when I was living in LA) if I wanted to move back to St. George I would have laughed in your face. It was a great town to grow up in, but it holds very little of the things I love as an adult. I still remember the first time I saw the email talking about a job opening at SkyWest for a tax person. I laughed and showed my friend Fuchi so she could laugh with me about the thought of me moving back to St. George. I was really proud of the fact I’d gotten out of there. That I moved away for college and then again to start my career in LA. St. George will always be my hometown, but I had no plans to move back there unless maybe I was older, married, and had kids. (And now even that has changed. I really don’t know if I could/would ever want to live there again.)

This post has sort of turned into a rant about why I hate St. George, but that’s not it at all. Just a few weeks ago when I was in Louisiana I was reminded of how lucky I was to grow up somewhere so nice and clean as St. George. And I know that. I know my life has been extremely blessed because of where I grew and who I grew up with.

But what it really comes down to is that the person I’ve become, and the person I want to be, doesn’t exist in St. George.

Which is why I’ve titled this post “Getting back to me”. Over these past 7 months of living in Dallas I’ve been reminded of what I love about life, shat makes me happy, and how I want to spend my time.

Maybe it’s easiest for me to just list some things I’ve recently realized I’ve missed about living in a big city and away from my hometown.

·         Anonymity: I love being able to run errands without running into anyone I know. I can get totally fancy or wear sweats and no make-up. It doesn’t matter.

o   Last time I was in St. George I ran into like 4 people I knew from high school within a few hours. And these were separate incidents – not like they were all at the same place together.

·         Food choices: A friend and I go to dinner at least once every couple of weeks, if not more frequently. When deciding where to go we typically try to pick somewhere new that we’ve never been before. Some places end up being better than others, but it’s always a fun adventure.

o   I can literally list the restaurants we eat at in St. George on one hand, ok maybe two if we’re talking some of the more rare times we “branch out”. And it’s not that these places are even that good, it’s just the only real options.

·         New adventures: I love going to new places and seeing something I’ve never seen before. There are very few places I don’t want to travel to. And besides St. George and Huntington Beach (for my family’s annual Dad trip) I have no real desire to go somewhere I’ve been before.

o   My family has a tendency to go to the same places and do the same things on repeat. Even staying at the exact same hotel. Which, of course, there is nothing wrong with, but it’s not what I enjoy. Why do something I’ve already done. Let’s try something new. Maybe we’ll like that even more.

·         Possibilities: I have a great job right now, but if I want to change it eventually there are a million options to choose from. Want to go to a bigger company? I can do that. Want to go into a completely different industry? I can do that too. The feeling of freedom and possibility is huge for me.

o   I did love my job at SkyWest. And honestly I do miss it from time to time. But really my career options there were so limited. If I wanted to leave there weren’t many options for me to keep doing what I do (corporate tax). And I didn’t even mention the fact I was grossly underpaid especially based on how much I was responsible for and how hands-off my boss was (which I actually appreciated because it made me learn and work harder). But still, it’s the principle of the matter.

·         New friends: I have great friends from all stages of my life, but I have really enjoyed making new friends here in Dallas. Somehow I was incredibly lucky and got in with a great group of friends pretty much as soon as I moved here. We have lots in common – similar schooling and career paths – and enjoy getting out and doing new and fun things. It has been so nice having new and true friends. I am pretty good at making “friends”, but making true/real friends is something else entirely. Friends who look past the petty issues and truly care about you. And I feel like I’ve found that here. Friends who become your substitute family and sometimes understand you better than your actual family does. Friends like that don’t come around all the time so I’m glad I’ve found that here.

o   No need to go in on St. George for this one. I made some great friendships while I was there. People I plan to be friends with forever. I also had some not so great friendship experiences while I was there, but I try to focus on the good times I had with people instead of the bad times/or endings.

·         Party of 1: This tends to fit with all the things I listed above, but I guess I’ll give it its own bullet point. I love being able to go out and do things alone. I used to hate being alone. I was that girl who didn’t even like to go to the bathroom alone when I was younger. Now I tend to do just about anything solo and only realize after the fact I could have/should have invited a friend to join me. Things I do solo: salon trips for mani/pedis, movies, dining out (I recently started solo dining at my favorite restaurant once a week and I love it. Sometimes I take a book, sometimes I don’t.), trips to the zoo, weekend roadtrips, anything else I want. There’s so much freedom going and doing whatever you want at your own pace.

o   I did a few things solo in St. George, but because you’re always running into someone you know it seemed weird to be out and about alone. It was like I was back in high school and had no friends (even though I had friends in high school lol). And you definitely couldn’t do much solo on weekend nights.

·         It’s my life: This point is harder for me to make, because I don’t regret how I lived in St. George, but I am glad I didn’t stay there like I was forever. I love being an aunt. It’s one of my favorite things. But it really took over my life. It was like I was playing tag-along to my sister’s life. If her kids had any performance, game, or birthday party – of course I was there. How could I not be? I’m the self-proclaimed favorite aunt I had to defend my title. And I do LOVE my nieces and nephews like crazy. But at some point I have to live MY life. And I have to remind myself it’s not selfish to do so. That reminder is what Dallas has given me. I do still have some work to do on this front (maybe I’ll explain in a future post), but I’ll get there eventually.

Well, I think that’s most of the highlights. Again, it’s not like I feel like my life was crappy when I lived in St. George, it definitely wasn’t. I just find it interesting how I didn’t intend to move back there and then found myself creating a whole different life once I got there. I know now (thank you hindsight) why I moved to St. George. I moved there so I could spend the last few years of my Dad’s life in the same town as him. So I could have so many memories with him I never would have had otherwise. I was there for his final days. I was there to start the healing process in a familiar place with people who had been/were going through similar things. I was able to travel and escape reality for a bit. And for all of those things and more I will forever be grateful for my time in St. George.

But man, am I happy I left!  

And I love Dallas, but who knows. Maybe in a few years I’ll pack up and leave here too. On to the next adventure. I’m just so glad I didn’t see the life I created in St. George as something I couldn’t move on from. It was a great life, but it wasn’t my whole life. I want different. I want new. I want more.


*Fun Fact: Since I published this post the song from the movie, First Wives' Club, has been playing on a loop in my head "I'm young, (I'm young) and I love to be young. I'm free, (so free) and I love to be free. To live my life the way that I want. To say and do whatever I please."

I forgot to mention

*I can't believe I didn't mention this yesterday, but I was just so focused on not forgetting the pancake hug dream.

Two nights ago I got home from work (and solo dining at my favorite restaurant in Flower Mound) and I was EXHAUSTED. I think it was a combination of getting back into my normal work/life routine after a week away mixed with trying to get over being sick, two days of tax training, and not getting enough sleep (like ever). Well that night I switched into my night dress (yes a night dress, they are so comfortable and I'm part grandma) as soon as I walked in the door and started to watch TV. Within 30 minutes of watching I noticed I kept drifting off so finally I decided to do something so uncharacteristic of me that I surprised myself - I went to bed early.

Like REALLY early.

As in, 7:30pm early. 

For any parent out there reading this who thinks that may not seem like a crazy time, keep in mind I am a single night owl. I consider myself good if I get to bed sometime between midnight and 1am (like I normally do - although last night I didn't go to bed till 3am, but that's another deal).

Anyways...

The point is I went to bed crazy early, only woke up once or twice for a few minutes, and then I slept until around 8am the next day. THAT'S RIGHT, over 12 hours of sleep.

It was amazing!

The End.

Pancake Hugs

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream with my dad in it. A few weeks ago I was thinking about this and just kind of put it out there in the universe that I wouldn’t mind having another one.

Well, last night I had it.

After I woke up and starting thing about it I was able to pick out a few more details to put it in context. I believe we were standing in the kitchen of the house I grew up in on Bloomington Drive in St. George. The kitchen was a little different than I remember (definitely bigger to be able to comfortably fit everyone that was there) and a bit nicer, but when I started thinking about it, the kitchen in the dream was laid out the same way as that kitchen in Bloomington. Anyways, I was standing near the door that goes out to the garage and by the stove, my dad was at the stove making a giant pancake (even though we typically made pancakes on the griddle), and my mom and sister (I think just one of them) were at the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen. My sister was sitting on the counter and my mom was standing next to her just talking. In the dream my dad was turned just talking to me and he moved over to get something out of the fridge (while still facing me). I remember thinking in the dream that it was weird he was only talking to me and that my mom and sister weren’t paying him any attention. It was in that moment in the dream that I remembered he was dead (this theme always seems to play out in the dreams I have of him. At some point I’m reminded that either he’s sick or that he’s dead) and that I must be the only one that can see him. After I made that realization in the dream I instantly walked up to him, threw my arms around his big tummy, and just stood there hugging him (another recurring part of my dreams). And that’s how the dream ended – just standing in the kitchen hugging my dad.

Like he always does in my dreams, he looked really good and happy. He was no longer the sick, old, cancer-ridden man he was at the end of his life. He looked a few decades younger but still had the big belly that made a great pillow to lay on or fun floating device in the pool.

I love having dreams with him in them. But it’s also a little sad at the same time. They just feel so real. Like he’s not actually gone. Maybe that’s why I am always reminded in the dreams that he is, so that I can make that connection and just enjoy whatever time I get with him.

Sad or not, I’m really glad I was able to see him last night and get one more hug.

TV Time

Ok, I caved. Let’s talk TV. I miss talking with my usual people about the TV shows we watch, so I guess writing down my own commentary will have to suffice. 

Now, as a disclaimer, as I go through the various shows I watch, I want you to remember a few things before you judge too harshly how I spend (aka waste) my time. #1: I am completely single, which means I have no one who depends on me and requires my time. So, if I want to watch 4+ hours of TV after work I can without ignoring someone who needs me. #2: I almost never actually just sit there and watch TV. I am a constant multi-tasker with restless hands so I have to keep them busy either playing on my iPad, eating dinner, folding clothes, washing dishes, or something else along those lines. So I’m not just literally sitting on the couch just staring at the TV all night. It’s on while I’m doing other stuff. Which sometimes means I have to rewind important parts I wasn’t paying enough attention to, but it works. #3: I love sleeping, but I hate going to bed. So I tend to procrastinate going to bed at night and a great way to do that is by watching another episode of something. And then another. And then another. And voilà a whole season has been caught up on. #4: I enjoy it. I find TV interesting and relaxing and it takes less effort than reading. J

So, although I don’t actually think I have to justify my TV time, I just did. :P

Now, on to the good stuff….

*Parks and Recreation: I tried watching this on Netflix a few years ago and just couldn’t get into it. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about. I didn’t find the characters charming or funny at all. I just didn’t get it. BUT, recently I decided to give it another shot AND I LOVE IT. Admittedly the first season wasn’t that great. But, now that I’ve stuck with it a few season, I love this show. It makes me laugh pretty hard. I love Ron Swanson and Andy, of course. Ron with the shaved mustache was quite possibly the creepiest thing ever. I just love Andy. And all I can say is Leslie and Ben forever (although there’s still a number of seasons to go, so I’m kind of anticipating they won’t last which is super tragic. Nobody tell me what happens with them please!) 

*The Family: Oh my gosh… this show is SO GOOD! Every week you’re just sitting there guessing about what the truth is and who did what. It’s the craziest thing. You trust one of the characters for a little bit and then all the sudden you’re blaming them for everything. And this past episode left on such an intense note, I can’t wait to see what happens next week!

*The Catch: It is a little weird seeing “Adam Braverman” in this role, but I really like this show so far. I keep finding myself wanting to be an 80s/Twiggy-inspired, red head like the main character. It’ll be interesting to see if they can continue the intrigue of the first few episodes throughout the rest of the season.

*Broad City: Now, I must confess… this is a show that for most people I would not recommend. Mostly because it is kind of filthy. And trashy. It airs on Comedy Central and has everything you’d expect from a Comedy Central show – lots of swearing, drug use, and sex. No nudity or anything like that, but even the very first scene is racy once you realize what’s going on. But all that being said, I love this show. Mostly because I really enjoy watching shows of people who live completely differently than I do – which this show is to a T. The main characters are crazy and weird and very New York to me. I love it. But again, not for the prudish or those trying to not watch trashy shows. Haha which technically I am both, but clearly I make an exception for this show.

*The People vs. OJ Simpson: Ahhh this show is so frustrating! It’s beyond ridiculous to see how much evidence they had against OJ – legit, fact based, evidence – and he was acquitted. It blows my mind. His defense team was deplorable. They completely bs’d their entire case and showed exactly what’s wrong with our legal system. The defense did nothing to combat the proof that was had against OJ, but rather it was all about shifting the focus and making the case into something it wasn’t. Ugh, so annoying!! But, the show itself is really good. And I feel for Marcia Clark. She is the epitome of a women trying to make it in a man’s world. And the different attacks on her just show why it can be so much harder for women to succeed in their careers. It pisses me off. But again, I highly recommend this show. The only thing I'm left wondering about is what OJ and Nicole's 2 kids think of what happened. And what kind of relationship do they have with their father/the man who killed their mom. It would be interesting to hear from them, but (obviously) I completely understand why they aren't in the spotlight. I wouldn't want to relive what actually happened to their mom over and over again if I were them either. 

*The Real Housewives of Potomac: These women are crazy. I’m not sure that needs to be said as it is a general characteristic of most women on these shows, but they definitely have their own brand of crazy. Who are they trying to impress with all these bogus manners they seem obsessed with?! Relax ladies. You may live in a nice area in Maryland, but you’re not royalty. My biggest irritation with this group of ladies is their obsession with race. They constantly get after the girls who are biracial and essentially making them choose which race they are. Obviously they’re more than one – why the freak would they have to pick one and ignore the other. It really irritates me that Gizelle and Robyn are constantly getting after Katie for “not being black enough” when they are the ones with bleached blonde hair. They realize that’s not a natural hair color for African American’s right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any issues with whatever hair color they want (I also am a fake blonde), but it just seems to add another layer to their hypocrisy. Now Karen. I can’t with her. She is so high and mighty it’s insane! I think my favorite is how pissed off she got at Ashley’s beach house when Ashley’s husband showed up because she was uncomfortable with him seeing her in her skimpy night-ware. Haha Have you seen his wife? I think you’re safe from being ogled Ursula, I mean Karen. And the best part is when Karen and her husband confronted Ashley and Michael about this situation she was in a short skirt and super tight top. What was she planning to walk around the beach house in? Something sheer? That’s about the only thing that could be more scandalous than anything else she wears. So, like I said initially, these women are crazy. Which is exactly why I watch this show. Too soon to pick a favorite.

*The Real Housewives of Atlanta: These women are just straight up mean and two faced. As they would say, they are throwing shade all day! Obviously Kandi is my favorite. She seems the most normal and chemically balanced even though she’s been famous for decades and has had crazy stuff happen in her life. I also love Sheree, because she says some funny stuff. Porsha is the worst. She is so bitter about her sister having a baby and still comes off as a boy-crazy teenager throwing her body at any guy who looks her way. Don’t hate me, but I do kind of like Kenya. I know, I know. Her big mouth says some dumb stuff some times and she doesn’t handle situations well, but I do think she is a decent person. And I really like her and her bf Matt. I think he’s good for her. He seems to mellow her out a bit. Nene’s big head needs to deflate. Phaedra. Phaedra. Phaedra. She says some funny stuff sometimes (like her animal roar butt roll thing at the beach) but it’s only when she’s not pretending to be so fancy. I really wanted to like Kim, but I just didn’t. At all. She’s just not right for this show. I’m also not a big Cynthia fan. I want to like her because she does seem like a nice person, but I just don’t. Plus I just feel like she needs to take a break from the show and deal with the very apparent issues in her marriage. Right now I’m totally bummed because I missed the last two reunion episodes because they aren’t streaming online and I no longer have cable. It totally sucks, but maybe they’ll be on Hulu in like two years and I can watch it then. :P

*The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Half these women I love. Half I can’t stand. Can you guess who falls on which side? Haha Who I like: Erika, Eileen, and Yolanda. Who I don’t like: Lisa V, Lisa R, Kyle, & Kathryn. I like Erika, Eileen and Yolanda because they seem the most real. They aren’t afraid to call people out on their crap, don’t hesitate to stand up for themselves (typically), and don’t care to suck up to other people on the cast. And of course, Erika is crazy, but she’s awesome. Her life is very interesting and very different, but she genuinely seems like a good person who cares about people and stands up for her friends. Ok, now the ladies that bug me. We’ll start with the newbie, Kathryn. She is the epitome of girls who say they don’t have a lot of female friends. There’s a reason for that. And it’s obvious. It’s because you’re not a good friend to girls. She’s just kind of a jerk who talks over people and is totally two-faced (i.e. her total betrayal of Erika’s friendship which she said she wanted). Although I do think (or hope at least) that her new hearing aids will help the talking loud/over people problem. Lisa R is like a whipped puppy that just keeps going back for more. Because she has a weaker personality she is just bounced back and forth between the more assertive women and always complaining about being the whipping boy. Also she is so money and fame obsessed it’s gross. She only like Lisa V because she’s rich and well to do. So, let’s move on to Lisa V. She used to be my absolute favorite, but I think as the years have gone on her ego has just grown and grown and grown. She does still have moments of fun where I see glimpses of the person I liked initially, but she does cause a lot of drama by stirring crap up and saying dumb/rude things to the other women. And then of course not taking accountability for her actions. I don’t actually think she does it because she’s a bad person (or at least I hope note), I think she’s doing it purposefully in order to keep the show interesting. But it still makes me not like her very much. Honestly I don’t know why I don’t like Kyle. Maybe she’s just too much of a floater for me. She does seem very immature, especially when she and Lisa V are together, which I can’t stand. Anyways, their trip to Dubai looked AMAZING! And I love the fish room Eileen stayed in. Definitely my favorite room. 

*Nashville: I have a love/hate relationship with Nashville. I have a hard time watching good people make terrible choices which happens with this show all the time. I love that Deacon and Rayne are finally happy and together, but we all know that won’t last long. And I cannot be the only one getting the lesbian vibe from Maddie’s new friend right? It’s so weird! Plus I hate that the sisters aren’t bffs anymore. Gunner and Scarlett will be back together soon enough which is what we all want. But really I just can’t wait for Juliette to get back. I really did like her and Avery together. And who knows what the freak is about to happen with Layla. Also, I almost feel bad for Luke these days. Sure he was a douche and he and Rayne weren’t right for each other (because, hello, Deacon) but enough is enough. Throw the poor guy a bone here. They just need to come clean with the whole Jeff saga so he can fix things with his son. 

*Empire: I still can’t get over the fact that Andre and Anika are a real life engaged couple. That girl has been with every straight guy in the Lyon family (ok, two were fake, but she still made out with them!). I can’t wait for Cookie and Lucius to take over everything together. And things will not end well for Hakeem and his no-longer-a-virgin gf. I predict she gets knocked up from their first time together. And then que Anika to go crazy on her like she did poor Rhonda. Oh man, I can’t wait for Rhonda to get her memory back of the accident and figure out what happened. I predict Anika will wear those shoes again and that will cause Rhonda’s memory to come back! And then beware Anika!

*Chicago PD: Not too much to say here besides I really like this show. The guys are hot, the story lines are interesting, and the girls don’t act like wusses. But seriously, can we just talk about how hot Atwater & Ruzek are. I’ll take them both. J And of course I love Erin and Jay together. I’m hoping that since their relationship is super low-key that maybe they’ll be able to keep it going longer than most TV relationships last. Fingers crossed.

*Scandal: Ugh, another love/hate show. Everyone is so corrupt. There’s just so much staring at each without dialog. This is one show that is potentially on the verge of being cut from my line-up. Although I will say, I do like all this election stuff. #teamSusan Oh, and I hate that Edison got mixed up with Olivia’s father. And although I liked David and Susan together, I’m going to need him and Red to get back together at some point.

*Grey’s Anatomy: This is another “eh” one here of late. I want to keep liking it, but it’s not easy to. I’m not loving the new guy they brought in for Meredith. I thought after the whole incident with Meredith getting the crap beat out of her they were setting it up for her and Alex to finally be together. Which I am totally for! His relationship with Jo, while I loved it for a long time, has fizzled. He’s way more committed to Meredith than he’ll ever be to Jo. And I hope Pierce and her bf stay together. I really like them as a couple. Stop having another guy freak out because his gf makes more money and has more power in her career than him. I hate Amelia. And Owen for that matter. Other characters I hate include April, Arizona, and Torre’s girlfriend. Boring characters, stupid storylines. Let’s just kill them off already. And April is ruining Jackson’s hotness. She needs to go and he needs to glow. Lol Also, all these characters seem WAY too unstable to be the top of their field surgeons. I’m not buying it.

*Shades of Blue: I LOVE this show. JLO is the bomb! How is she so good at everything while still being Jenny from the block. #neverchange There are some funky twists and turns that you don’t see coming, but it’s all so interesting. And you keep going back and forth about whose side you’re on. Now that I’m thinking about it, I really hope last week wasn’t the season finale. It totally could have been because it was that good and it ended on such an intense note, but I really hope it wasn’t! 

*The Ranch (on Netflix): This show is interesting enough. Let’s be honest, I’m mostly just watching it to see Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson act together again. It’s interesting enough to keep me watching it, but not SO good that I binged watched it in a day like plenty of other shows.  

*That 70’s Show: I just love this show. I fall asleep to it every night (thank you sleep timer). It is just really funny. If you have never watched it, you need to. And if you haven’t watched it in a while you should watch it again. Good stuff! I said good stuff. 

And now I have officially written WAY too much about TV. Lol I am just the coolest person ever. I know it. And now you know it too. :P To be fair, I have cut out a number of shows I used to love to make room for the new ones I added - i.e. Modern Family, Once Upon a Time, The Good Wife, How to Get Away with Murder, Jane the Virgin, and probably a few more that I can’t think of off the top of my head. And all of this without paying for actual TV. Thank you Hulu and Netflix!

*I'd love to hear if you agree with my thoughts on these shows or if there's anything I should add to my line-up! Feel free to comment below. :)

Follow-up to yesterday's post

I just stumbled across a link on Facebook and it goes really well with that I posted yesterday. The article is called "You’re A Total Catch, So Why Aren’t Guys Falling For You?" and you can read it here. I especially like points #1, 2, & 4. Enjoy!

Trusting the Lord vs. Protecting Ourselves

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I generally try to keep all my expectations at a very low level – in most aspects of my life. This is something I realized a few years back would be important for me, because I found a pattern of having big hopes/expectations for events or people and being crushed when they didn’t turn out the way I expected. So, instead of being disappointed all the time, I decided to lower or (when possible) eliminate my expectations all together.

And for a long time this has served me well.

That’s not to say I don’t get frustrated or disappointed by people/events, but when you don’t expect much from people to start with it helps to not let that frustration/disappointment ruin your day.

Someone blows off plans you made – that sucks, but I’ll just think of something else fun I can do instead. A text is ignored or a call not return – annoying, but I’ll talk to them at some point in the future. Stuff like that.

Mitigating the disappointment and finding alternate ways to fill my time. That’s been my game plan.

Lately I’ve realized I’ve approached marriage and my future this same way. For a while now I’ve been convincing myself that being single forever wouldn’t be so bad. And, in truth, I do think there are a number of positive aspects of remaining single.

However, for me at least, I realized my motives to doing this were in opposition to were my focus should have been. I was trying to convince myself that a solitary future was what I truly wanted. But, in reality, I was (am) scared. I’m scared of wanting something and not getting it. Of having high expectations that are never met.

Without going into too many details here, I’ve had a number of experiences over the years that pretty clearly indicated the plan for my life includes marriage. Not one time, but multiple occasions.

But here’s where things get tricky...

Because, as we know, the Lord’s promises come with a caveat – “in His time”. I’ve always hated this. Either mean it for now, this mortal life, or specify that you mean in the life to come. I can’t be alone in hating this ever present caveat. Sometimes it makes it feel like “promised” blessings are rigged. At least that’s how I’ve interpreted it at times.

With the timing caveat in tow, the decision I face now is to figure out how I will respond.

Do I continue to try and convince myself single forever is what I want? Or do I trust in the Lord? Do I believe Him when he’s provided answers and support? Do I patiently and faithfully wait for His timing to arrive?

This is a lot tougher of a choice for me than it should be, all because of my expectation lowering position. If I admit that marriage and family is truly what I want, then I have to wait and feel the disappointment as year after year goes by without those desires being realized. However, if I follow my current method and focus on the happy life and future I’ll create on my own do I run the risk of missing out on the promised blessings?

To be honest, I don’t know the answer. But I have learned that Heavenly Father’s plans for my life have always worked out better than the plans I’ve come up with. And in the end I’m always happier with his outcome. Somehow, I have to fight my urge to “not care” and instead choose faith. Choose trust. Choose hope.

Late to the Party

For a while now I’ve been seeing my friends Snapchatting with all these weird filters. I didn’t get it. Like at all.

BUT, this past weekend a friend showed me how to do the filters and now I’m obsessed. Who knew that was all it would take. :P I seriously think they are so funny. So naturally I snapped a bunch of pics of me using the different filters. And since Snaps “disappear forever” within seconds I of course had to save these pics to treasure forever. So without further ado, please enjoy my first ever round of filtered Snapchats.

PS. This was my third post idea from yesterday. I just wanted to spread them out a little bit – as in by one day. And now I’m out of ideas again….

ABCs of Me

Idea #2 of 3....

 A- Age: 29

 B- Biggest fear: Dying alone (this got dark pretty quickly)

 C- Current time: 12:45 pm (CST)

 D- Drink you last had: Dr. Pepper (I typically wait until lunch to have soda, but I needed to reward myself for getting out of bed and going into work.)

 E- Easiest person to talk to: Rachelle Gleason (also myself if that counts without making me crazy)

 F- Favorite song: Home by Blue October (at the moment)

 G- Ghosts, are they real?: Well yes, but not necessarily in a creepy way. (I'd still prefer not to see one though)

 H- Hometown: St. George, Utah

 I- In love with: Um… Netflix?

 J- Jealous of: Stay at home moms

 K- Killed someone?: Potentially with kindness (so probably not)

 L- Last time you cried?: Haha yesterday

 M- Middle name: Lea (but it’s pronounced Lee. My parents struggled with spelling apparently)

 N- Number of siblings: 4

 O- One wish: To not die a virgin (and world peace and a cure for cancer obviously)

 P- Person who you last called: A flower shop in LA that is seriously struggling with an order I placed last week.

 Q- Question you're always asked: Can you spell that? (In regards to my first and/or last name)

 R- Reason(s) to smile: It’s better than crying

 S- Song last sang: A remake of “You Don’t Own Me” that I heard on Pandora this morning while I was getting ready

 T- Time you woke up: First alarm was at 7am.

 U- Underwear color: All white, all day, er’ day.

 V- Vacation destination: Bora Bora

 W- Worst habit: Terrible eating habits

 X- X-Rays you've had: Probably just foot and mouth/teeth. Nothing too crazy.

 Y- Your favorite food: Pepperoni pizza

 Z- Zodiac sign: Aquarius

4 Things

Here is the 1st of the 3 ideas mentioned in my previous post. Stole this from a friend who posted it on Facebook the other day.

Four names I go by:

 1. Genna
 2. G
 3. Ghenna
 4. Mugs

Four things I hate:

 1. Liars
 2. Bugs in my house
 3. Terrible Drivers
 4. Adult Acne (I thought I was supposed to stop getting zits at some point) 

 Four places I have lived:

 1. St. George, UT
 2. Provo, UT
 3. Los Angeles, CA
 4. Dallas, TX
 

Four things I love to watch:

 1. The Real Housewives (I love them all, but Beverly Hills and Atlanta are my favorites)
 2. Shades of Blue
 3. New Girl
 4. Broad City (New fave, judge away)

 Four places I have been:

 1. Tokyo, Japan
 2. Cancun, Mexico
 3. Luxembourg City, Luxembourg
 4. Nassau, Bahamas

Four favorite drinks (not water):

 1. Dr. Pepper
 2. Dr. Pepper
 3. Dr. Pepper
 4. 1% Milk