Getting back to me

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my years living in St. George. I’ve also thought a lot about my time leading up to moving back there and since moving away. With this post I’m going to try to articulate my feelings. I’m not totally sure why I feel like getting this out there is important, but it’s been on my mind so much that maybe it’s time to put it into actual words.

In the 3 ½ years I lived in St. George I created a pretty great life for myself. I had a job I could have probably stayed at for the rest of my career. I had a house that I loved (even with it flaws). I was in a great ward and had a calling that was insanely stressful but rewarding at the same time. I was able to be an integral part of my nieces and nephews lives. I was able to travel and see so new parts of the world. I had Leni & Fritz. When I think about all these things I feel lucky, but at the same time I am shocked at how quickly I let me life evolve into something I had never expected and had never even thought about whether I wanted it or not.

It started like a snowball effect. First came the house. I did have the goal to buy a house by the time I was 30. And to my habits, I did it sooner than anticipated at 25. Once I had the house I just seemed to create a life around the new/permanent me. It wasn’t like I was forced into anything. I was doing everything I thought at the time I wanted. I was back in good old St. George and making the most of it. I always said how easy living in St. George was (especially compared to life in Los Angeles). And it was. It was an easy life. It was easy to create this new plan for my future. A future that involved going to the same office with the same people day in and day out, eating at the same restaurants each week, lots of nights watching my nieces and nephews in their various extracurricular activities, and many night spent home alone. Thanks to Tinder I did go on a few dates here and there, but it was never with anyone I felt was actually a good match for me.

In a lot of ways, my life was pretty great. And it felt like a complete-ish life. Looking back at it now though I can see a lot of ways that it wasn’t the life I wanted.

If you asked me in college (or even when I was living in LA) if I wanted to move back to St. George I would have laughed in your face. It was a great town to grow up in, but it holds very little of the things I love as an adult. I still remember the first time I saw the email talking about a job opening at SkyWest for a tax person. I laughed and showed my friend Fuchi so she could laugh with me about the thought of me moving back to St. George. I was really proud of the fact I’d gotten out of there. That I moved away for college and then again to start my career in LA. St. George will always be my hometown, but I had no plans to move back there unless maybe I was older, married, and had kids. (And now even that has changed. I really don’t know if I could/would ever want to live there again.)

This post has sort of turned into a rant about why I hate St. George, but that’s not it at all. Just a few weeks ago when I was in Louisiana I was reminded of how lucky I was to grow up somewhere so nice and clean as St. George. And I know that. I know my life has been extremely blessed because of where I grew and who I grew up with.

But what it really comes down to is that the person I’ve become, and the person I want to be, doesn’t exist in St. George.

Which is why I’ve titled this post “Getting back to me”. Over these past 7 months of living in Dallas I’ve been reminded of what I love about life, shat makes me happy, and how I want to spend my time.

Maybe it’s easiest for me to just list some things I’ve recently realized I’ve missed about living in a big city and away from my hometown.

·         Anonymity: I love being able to run errands without running into anyone I know. I can get totally fancy or wear sweats and no make-up. It doesn’t matter.

o   Last time I was in St. George I ran into like 4 people I knew from high school within a few hours. And these were separate incidents – not like they were all at the same place together.

·         Food choices: A friend and I go to dinner at least once every couple of weeks, if not more frequently. When deciding where to go we typically try to pick somewhere new that we’ve never been before. Some places end up being better than others, but it’s always a fun adventure.

o   I can literally list the restaurants we eat at in St. George on one hand, ok maybe two if we’re talking some of the more rare times we “branch out”. And it’s not that these places are even that good, it’s just the only real options.

·         New adventures: I love going to new places and seeing something I’ve never seen before. There are very few places I don’t want to travel to. And besides St. George and Huntington Beach (for my family’s annual Dad trip) I have no real desire to go somewhere I’ve been before.

o   My family has a tendency to go to the same places and do the same things on repeat. Even staying at the exact same hotel. Which, of course, there is nothing wrong with, but it’s not what I enjoy. Why do something I’ve already done. Let’s try something new. Maybe we’ll like that even more.

·         Possibilities: I have a great job right now, but if I want to change it eventually there are a million options to choose from. Want to go to a bigger company? I can do that. Want to go into a completely different industry? I can do that too. The feeling of freedom and possibility is huge for me.

o   I did love my job at SkyWest. And honestly I do miss it from time to time. But really my career options there were so limited. If I wanted to leave there weren’t many options for me to keep doing what I do (corporate tax). And I didn’t even mention the fact I was grossly underpaid especially based on how much I was responsible for and how hands-off my boss was (which I actually appreciated because it made me learn and work harder). But still, it’s the principle of the matter.

·         New friends: I have great friends from all stages of my life, but I have really enjoyed making new friends here in Dallas. Somehow I was incredibly lucky and got in with a great group of friends pretty much as soon as I moved here. We have lots in common – similar schooling and career paths – and enjoy getting out and doing new and fun things. It has been so nice having new and true friends. I am pretty good at making “friends”, but making true/real friends is something else entirely. Friends who look past the petty issues and truly care about you. And I feel like I’ve found that here. Friends who become your substitute family and sometimes understand you better than your actual family does. Friends like that don’t come around all the time so I’m glad I’ve found that here.

o   No need to go in on St. George for this one. I made some great friendships while I was there. People I plan to be friends with forever. I also had some not so great friendship experiences while I was there, but I try to focus on the good times I had with people instead of the bad times/or endings.

·         Party of 1: This tends to fit with all the things I listed above, but I guess I’ll give it its own bullet point. I love being able to go out and do things alone. I used to hate being alone. I was that girl who didn’t even like to go to the bathroom alone when I was younger. Now I tend to do just about anything solo and only realize after the fact I could have/should have invited a friend to join me. Things I do solo: salon trips for mani/pedis, movies, dining out (I recently started solo dining at my favorite restaurant once a week and I love it. Sometimes I take a book, sometimes I don’t.), trips to the zoo, weekend roadtrips, anything else I want. There’s so much freedom going and doing whatever you want at your own pace.

o   I did a few things solo in St. George, but because you’re always running into someone you know it seemed weird to be out and about alone. It was like I was back in high school and had no friends (even though I had friends in high school lol). And you definitely couldn’t do much solo on weekend nights.

·         It’s my life: This point is harder for me to make, because I don’t regret how I lived in St. George, but I am glad I didn’t stay there like I was forever. I love being an aunt. It’s one of my favorite things. But it really took over my life. It was like I was playing tag-along to my sister’s life. If her kids had any performance, game, or birthday party – of course I was there. How could I not be? I’m the self-proclaimed favorite aunt I had to defend my title. And I do LOVE my nieces and nephews like crazy. But at some point I have to live MY life. And I have to remind myself it’s not selfish to do so. That reminder is what Dallas has given me. I do still have some work to do on this front (maybe I’ll explain in a future post), but I’ll get there eventually.

Well, I think that’s most of the highlights. Again, it’s not like I feel like my life was crappy when I lived in St. George, it definitely wasn’t. I just find it interesting how I didn’t intend to move back there and then found myself creating a whole different life once I got there. I know now (thank you hindsight) why I moved to St. George. I moved there so I could spend the last few years of my Dad’s life in the same town as him. So I could have so many memories with him I never would have had otherwise. I was there for his final days. I was there to start the healing process in a familiar place with people who had been/were going through similar things. I was able to travel and escape reality for a bit. And for all of those things and more I will forever be grateful for my time in St. George.

But man, am I happy I left!  

And I love Dallas, but who knows. Maybe in a few years I’ll pack up and leave here too. On to the next adventure. I’m just so glad I didn’t see the life I created in St. George as something I couldn’t move on from. It was a great life, but it wasn’t my whole life. I want different. I want new. I want more.


*Fun Fact: Since I published this post the song from the movie, First Wives' Club, has been playing on a loop in my head "I'm young, (I'm young) and I love to be young. I'm free, (so free) and I love to be free. To live my life the way that I want. To say and do whatever I please."