Pancake Hugs

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream with my dad in it. A few weeks ago I was thinking about this and just kind of put it out there in the universe that I wouldn’t mind having another one.

Well, last night I had it.

After I woke up and starting thing about it I was able to pick out a few more details to put it in context. I believe we were standing in the kitchen of the house I grew up in on Bloomington Drive in St. George. The kitchen was a little different than I remember (definitely bigger to be able to comfortably fit everyone that was there) and a bit nicer, but when I started thinking about it, the kitchen in the dream was laid out the same way as that kitchen in Bloomington. Anyways, I was standing near the door that goes out to the garage and by the stove, my dad was at the stove making a giant pancake (even though we typically made pancakes on the griddle), and my mom and sister (I think just one of them) were at the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen. My sister was sitting on the counter and my mom was standing next to her just talking. In the dream my dad was turned just talking to me and he moved over to get something out of the fridge (while still facing me). I remember thinking in the dream that it was weird he was only talking to me and that my mom and sister weren’t paying him any attention. It was in that moment in the dream that I remembered he was dead (this theme always seems to play out in the dreams I have of him. At some point I’m reminded that either he’s sick or that he’s dead) and that I must be the only one that can see him. After I made that realization in the dream I instantly walked up to him, threw my arms around his big tummy, and just stood there hugging him (another recurring part of my dreams). And that’s how the dream ended – just standing in the kitchen hugging my dad.

Like he always does in my dreams, he looked really good and happy. He was no longer the sick, old, cancer-ridden man he was at the end of his life. He looked a few decades younger but still had the big belly that made a great pillow to lay on or fun floating device in the pool.

I love having dreams with him in them. But it’s also a little sad at the same time. They just feel so real. Like he’s not actually gone. Maybe that’s why I am always reminded in the dreams that he is, so that I can make that connection and just enjoy whatever time I get with him.

Sad or not, I’m really glad I was able to see him last night and get one more hug.