Movie Review – The Shack

**WARNING – SPOILERS! Come back and read this after you read the book/see the movie if you don’t want me to ruin anything for you.**

 

I attempted to go see the movie The Shack on Monday night for a little family-of-one FHE, but I ended up working a little too late and I’m WAY too old to see a 9pm showing on a weeknight. So alas I had to wait… until last night. Haha #thestruggle

Little not-so-secret about me. I love going to movies alone. Going with people can be fun too, but most of the time I enjoy going solo. Usually when I go solo to a movie I pick a time when the theater is unlikely to be busy/crowded. I HATE noisy theaters. I sit there wondering why the people around me never learned how to be normal/considerate humans that didn’t constantly make noise or check their phones in a public theater as I bite back the urge to say something to them. Yes, I am that person. Which is why I do what I can to prevent those annoying feelings by going at a less busy time. I totally botched that goal last night though when I picked not only the day the theater offers $5 movie, but it also seemed to be the time that Sun River (a retirement community in St. George) decided to all come to the theater. Ok, fine, maybe it wasn’t a sanctioned Sun River event, but there were a LOT of older movie goers yesterday. So not off to a great start. I was however excited to learn that the mini popcorn was also discounted that night down from $4.50 to $1.50. #score I was feeling pretty great about that steal of a deal, and then I tried to carry too much in my hands and I dropped my popcorn all over the ground. Wah. Wah. :( Luckily one of the theater workers ran to my rescue and got me new popcorn without me having to get back in the long concessions line. So after apologizing for covering their ground in buttery goodness I made my way into the crowded theater.

Now that I’ve set up the scene ad nauseam, should I actually start reviewing the movie?

But first, another little sidenote. :) When a book is made into a movie I like reading the book first so I know what to expect and then I’m always intrigued by what they decide to change when they turn it into a movie. That was the case with The Shack. I just finished the book last weekend so I was all set to see the movie and compare them.

First, let’s talk about Sam Worthington. I like everything about him being cast for this role except one thing. The book and movie very clearly point out that Mac is a farm kid from the mid-west. Well, Sam Worthington was born in England and raised in Australia (thank you IMDB). Needless to say, Sam has an accent that no boy from the mid-west would have. And it made it hard for me to believe him in this role when that accent crept into almost every line of dialogue spoken by Mac. Honestly that was one of my biggest critiques of the whole film.

Casting for God aka “Papa” (Octavia Spencer and briefly Graham Greene), Jesus (Avraham Aviv Alush), and the Holy Spirit aka “Sarayu” (Sumire Matsubara) I LOVED!! I think they all played their roles really, really well. And while I’m Mormon and am used to seeing images of God looking a certain way, it in no way made me feel like they were portraying Him inappropriately. I think the reasoning for why the book and, following suit, the movie showed God as a loving black woman made a lot of sense to me. And while I think we try so hard to fully understand who God is, I’m sure like Mac, we tend to think of God very differently than His true nature. So I liked the whole idea behind it and how everything worked when it was time for Mac to have a father figure. Also, can I just point out that Jesus reminded me a lot of my baby boyfriend (boyfriend I had as a young kid, not a young kid I am currently pursuing) so maybe I found him to be attractive. Nothing wrong with that right? :) I loved seeing someone from Middle Eastern descent portray Jesus. It felt really authentic. I also really liked the casting for “Wisdom” – the lady in the cave with the waterfall. Really the only casting that I didn’t love were the other kids besides Missy. Not sure why, but I just didn’t love them as those characters. #sorrykids

I loved the first 2/3s to 3/4s of the book, but I felt it got REALLY repetitive at times and so it took me a lot longer to finish reading the last few chapters than it did the first chunk of the book. I think the movie did a lot better job at moving the storyline forward without feeling too repetitive/stagnant. So kudos movie on that one.

Now, time for things the movie did differently than the book and my thoughts on it.

There was a point in the movie where Mac’s in a little row boat that starts taking on murky water and he starts sinking until Jesus comes to his rescue. When I was watching that scene I didn’t love it and wasn’t a huge fan of how that part and the walking on water scene unfolded. However, now that I’m thinking back on it I find myself liking that scene more and more because it feels a lot like real life. We start feeling overcome with a problem or challenge we’re currently facing and at times all hope seems lost. Until, of course, we remember to look to Jesus for help. In hindsight that may be one of my favorite scenes.

One change I didn’t like was how they showed the marking on the outside wall of the Shack right next to the front door during the scene where they found Missy’s dress. I have a really hard time imaging the FBI couldn’t have found out more about a serial killer who leaves such an obvious mark at part of the crime scene that isn’t found at other spots along the trail leading to the hidden bodies of his victims. Along with that, I was sad they didn’t include in the movie more about the trail Papa and Mac walked and all the different spots along the way the marking was shown including the process of Papa turning the rock at the front of the cave around as they were leaving to make sure that spot stayed marked. They showed a couple of the markings, but again I feel like the markings shown were WAY too obvious to have never been discovered during the normal course of the investigation/manhunt. And finally, the last point of this I want to touch on was how I hated that at the end of the movie Mac didn’t take his family to find Missy’s body and truly lay her to rest. That was such a pivotal piece of the book I felt that really brought legitimacy to Mac’s experience in the fact that he now knew how to find Missy’s body. So yeah, I’m kind of bitter about that part.

Another change I didn’t like was how they said the car accident happened on the way up to the cabin versus in the book it happened on the way back from the cabin. Again I just feel like it takes away from the legitimacy of Mac’s experience.

And of course I hated that the movie didn’t touch on the fact that because of Mac’s experience and how he was able to help the authorities find Missy’s body, they were then able to find the bodies of other victims of the lady bug killer AND were eventually able to find and arrest him. I was really sad to see that aspect not included in the movie.

In the end, I’m glad I read the book and then saw the movie because I feel like it gave me a more complete picture to work with. The movie was good. And I quietly cried through most of it. It’s not one I anticipate seeing over and over again, but I’m glad I saw it! 

My 1st Dance Studio

As a kid I had one dream job… I wanted to own my own dance team/company. For a lot of years that’s what I was set on doing. (And then I became a tax accountant. Adult me really screwed over childhood me. :P)

I grew up dancing from preschool to ninth grade. I danced with a group called Super Steppers Jr. Drill Team – nicknamed Stupid Stompers by many. :) Joking aside, it actually was a great group to be a part of. I had the chance to perform all over – highlights included UNLV games, NBA pre-game performances, during the Olympics in SLC, and at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii. And I was in more parades than I can count (which is why I try to avoid parades completely as an adult). And then in high school my love of dance evolved as I was a cheerleader for those 3 years.

One of the things I’ve missed the most since “becoming an adult” was dancing and performing. So after seeing the Rockettes perform in NYC this past December I got super inspired to revisit my first love. In January I started taking a weekly tap dance class and it’s safe to say I’m obsessed with it. It’s my favorite hour of each week. We have a performance coming up in a few months and I’m not gonna lie, I’m really looking forward to performing again. Granted I’m no amazing dancer. I’m decent and will get even better with more practice. But what I really excel in is learning a routine. That’s always been a strength of mine and one I’m happy I didn’t lose after so many years of not using that skill. But, how should I say…. I don’t look quite as cute performing as I did when I was a skinny (skinnier) little kid/teenager. I can still get the job done, it just takes a bit more effort these days. So I’m still working on making it look more appealing for the audience. But that’s ok. The enjoyment I get is still the same. Haha

All of this is to say, that I finally did it – I opened up my 1^st dance studio!! And while technically it’s just for me and it’s located in one of the spare bedrooms in my house, I LOVE IT! :) I went in there last night and ran through my tap routine a few times before bed. It’s my favorite room in my house and one I definitely need to spend more time in. I posted some pics below! One of the best features is the tv hookup for my phone so I can put the video of my teacher doing the routine up on the tv in case I need a refresher on any of the steps and so I can get my taps in sync with hers. I’m just renting my current house, but you can rest assured that the next house I buy will include a room perfect for this purpose and hopefully even bigger so I can expand the dance floor and have more room to do the routine full out without having to shorten steps! Anyways, dance on, childhood me. Dance on.

It Was Time

In case you didn't notice, my blog got a bit of a face-lift today! About time right?!

So now instead of looking like a 4 year old made it, it looks like a 12 year old did.

Just kidding!

That's an insult to 12 year olds everywhere who are way more computer/blog savvy than I am. :)

Anyways, hope whoever sees this likes the new look and new lists along the side!

27 Days

Yesterday I learned someone had googled me and found my blog. That made me smile for two reasons. First, because with a name like Genna Mugleston I’m not hard to find. There is and, I feel confident in saying this, will only ever be one Genna Mugleston (especially if you throw in the spelling and pronunciation of my middle name, but there’s no need to get into that now). And the second reason is because aside from possibly three former college roommates and maybe my mom once a year, I never figure anyone is looking at my blog. But alas, someone new found it. And realized some things we have in common (SkyWest & living in Texas) so that was cool. I also like that she wasn’t too embarrassed to admit that she’d googled me and found/read my blog. That’s totally something I do to people (admit the weird ways I know stuff about them) so that was fun to be on the other end of one of those conversations.

The whole point of that was to say that yesterday I was reminded that I have a blog. :)

I had a lot more free time at work when I was in Texas therefore I updated the blog much more often than I ever have before. Now that I’m back in SG and back to a super full workload, the time to blog isn’t high on my priority list. But I will try to be better. Starting now.

*****

Hello, my name is Genna and I’ve been sober for 27 days.

               

       “Hi Genna”

(I hope you instinctively said that without me having to write it for you. We’ve all seen AA/NA meetings on TV. [Or in real life. No judgement here. :)])

That’s right. I’ve stayed away from the juice for 27 whole days now.

And by “juice” I mean Dr. Pepper as I am a total Mo-Mo (Mormon) and have never even tasted a sip of alcohol. 

Game time – guess how much weight I’ve lost in the last 27 days of not having anywhere from 32-88 ounces of Dr. Pepper each day?? Not a single pound. Lol

You always hear stories of people giving up soda and losing weight. Yeah, my life/body doesn’t work like that. I anticipate that in the year I am off soda I will lose zero weight attributed to the absence of all those calories.

But I think what surprised me even more during these past 27 days is how my food intake has changed as well. I’ve never been a healthy eater (shocker, I know), but after giving up soda I haven’t thought to myself, “You know what would make a great dinner tonight… a ton of Dr. Pepper water and a full can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles.” Because yes, that has happened. More times than I should admit. Nowadays it’s a lot less junk food and more actual meals. Which is better all around. But in that sense I am a little surprised I haven’t seen any weight loss in the last 4 weeks. But oh well, so goes life.

OTHER HAPPENINGS

It’s been a while, so let me throw in a few other items that have been happening lately.

I found another blog that I’m fairly obsessed with (technically I found it while I was living in Texas, but I’ve recently been revisiting it). The blog is http://www.freckled-fox.com/. Cliff notes version: There’s a beautiful red-headed husband and wife with 5 little kids (all 6 years old & younger) not all the kids have red hair believe it or not. :) She started this blog years ago and she would post hair tutorials, music playlists, fancy pictures, and stuff like that. (That was prior to me finding the blog, but I’ve heard mentioning of the earlier days before everything changed.) Then life happened. Her young, strong, handsome husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and after 18 months of fighting the disease, he ultimately lost his battle. It’s all extremely heartbreaking. I have sobbed many times reading her blog and looking at the pictures. But as sad as it is to see the pictures and read her words (lots of personal flashbacks happening #ihateyoucancer #dadswithcancer) I think she shares some really great perspective when it comes to dealing with tragedy. And how grief becomes a part of you. Always there. But you find a will to keep going and try to keep having hope. I was even more impressed when I found out just this week that she was 25. Which means she startled this horrible life changing phase at 23 with 4 little kids and I believe she was pregnant with kid number 5 when it all started. I can’t imagine having that much strength and composure at 25. It’s all very impressive. Anyways, check it out if you feel so inclined.

Back to my life. :) So a few weeks back I started taking a tap dance class. I saw the Rockettes perform when I was in NYC in December and was super inspired. Plus I’ve always loved dancing and have missed being involved in dance/performing. So I started taking this weekly class…. with my mom. It’s us and a bunch of young teenagers. Needless to say we stand out. lol I am loving it though. That’s my favorite day of the week. And I even went so far as to order a little dance floor off Amazon so I can turn one of the spare bedrooms in my house into a dance room where I can practice and get better at tap. Should I admit now that the floor was delivered almost 2 weeks ago but I haven’t gotten around to setting it up yet? Even though I also went out and bought some other stuff to really make it an awesome dance room? In my defense, I did finally open the boxes up last night and spread all the different pieces of the floor out across my living room, so I’m making some progress. Once I get it all set up maybe I’ll post some pictures on here. But like... don’t hold your breath. :)

My boss told me I don’t fit the mold for a tax accountant. That made me very happy. I like being unique and not what you’d expect.

My fish, Tad Cooper, has been on the brink of death for 4+ months now. But he just won’t give up. And that’s making me pretty happy. We were talking about him in the little CTR4 primary class I teach on Sundays and the cute little kids (4 year olds) asked me to bring in a picture of him next week. So I’ll have to do that.

Ok that’s plenty for now. No need to overdo it on my first post back in a while. So whoever googles me next and finds this blog, I hope you enjoy it. :)

Let's Catch Up...

I've been MIA from the blog for the past few months. That was on purposes. When I have a lot going on in my head, I am hesitant to say (or in this case write) too much for fear of letting something slip before I should or because I don't want to feel like I'm lying by avoiding the subject and finding ways to talk around it. So the reason for all the quietness was FINALLY made official/public last week.

I'm moving back to St. George!

After multiple conversations with my former employer in St. George (SkyWest Airlines) we reached an agreement for me to come back and work there again. Surprised? Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all.

The best part is, if you follow my blog at all you'll know that not too many posts back I wrote a whole post on why I'm so happy I moved out of St. George and how I don't think I'll ever move back there.

So, why the sudden change?

Well, there were a lot of factors that went into my decision to move back. I'll try to list them here as honestly as I can. But to be clear, it hasn't been an easy decision. And even after I made it, I've had many times where I've doubted my choice. However, I feel like there have been multiple promptings along the way that help me feel more confident in my decision. I'll get into that too later on in this post.

As my mind has been all over the place the last few months as I've worked through this decision I'll (hopefully) try to keep this list a little more organized. Best way to do that.... bullet points of course. :)

• Family: If you know me well, you'll know this falls on both the pro and con side of my decision. lol Of course I love my family. But I don't always get along with my family. I know that I am not my normal/best self around them (with the exception of when I'm with my sister Amber, I can very easily be my comfortable self with her). While there are multiple reason for this and I'll say actions on both parts that lead to me not being my best self with them, I really struggle with the fact I don't feel like my family tries to see or know the me I am today. They take things I say out of context, or take something I said/did when I was 15 and think that's how I still feel/see the world today, and sometimes create their own entire story about who I am and how I live. Maybe part of that is because I'm not my "best/true self" around them. But honestly, part of that is because I don't necessarily trust them to get to see that side of me. Trust is huge with me. I've been burned by friends (and family) in the past, so instead of putting myself out there to experience that again I try to keep parts of myself hidden until I really feel comfortable and trust someone. Sure I may be an open book about a lot of silly things, but truly important things I don't care to share with just anyone. Wow, I really got off topic there. And all those thoughts could really be a whole other blog post all of their own. BUT the point is, I am excited to be back near family again. It was harder than I expected to be SO far away. Before, when I lived in Provo or LA, I could easily hop in the car and be home in a few hours. Now it's either 2 days in the car or a sometimes pricey flight and lots of coordination to get home. That was huge pain in the butt. Also, I've lived in Dallas for almost a year now and no one in my family has been out to visit. That has sucked. I understand why they haven't come out (it's not easy or cheap) but still it made it kind of hard. The other downside of living so far away is that I use so much vacation just going home for family things (holidays, baptisms, etc.). Obviously I'm choosing (sort of #guilt) to use my vacation days this way, but I still hate it. Another big reason is that I have missed my nieces and nephews. While I worry about them and their activities taking over my life again, I've missed them so much. They really help fill a spot in my life that not having kids of my own leaves empty. They're crazy and exhausting and I have different relationships with all 13 of them, but I miss them! I actually found a house to rent in my sister's neighborhood/HOA. It's a few streets over so we're not right next door, but Kruzzi has already told me he'll be riding his bike to my house all the time and Savvi has plans to walk over and have sleepovers. :) And since Amber is the Primary President in her/my new ward she has already warned me that I should anticipate a Primary calling, so we'll see what happens with that. It should be an interesting year. (After a year I'll reevaluate and see if I want to look for places on the other side of town closer to where my old house was, or stay on the same side as the fam. Time will tell on that one.) Moral of the story, family is one reason I'm moving back.
• Career: I feel like there is this internal struggle inside of me when it comes to my career. On one hand, I am very education oriented and career focused. I spent so much time and money getting my degrees and starting my career in one of the bigger offices of one of the top 4 accounting firms in the country. And I take a lot of pride in that. When I was at SkyWest the first time I felt like I was really stunted in my career. There wasn't really a lot of growth potential for me and more likely than not there never really would be. Maybe a little advancement down the road, but not much. Because there's the part of me that feels gung-ho about making the most of my degrees/training I struggled with this plateau in my career. Dallas gave me a fresh start with that. There were endless possibilities and career options here in Dallas. I could literally advance and progress in my career as far as I wanted. But over the past year I was reminded of the counterpart to my career-driven side. It's the part of me that believes career isn't everything. Don't get me wrong I love to work hard and do a good job in my career, but I don't have that big of a desire to climb the corporate ladder all the way to the top. I want to work hard, accomplish a lot during the day, but then go home at the end of the work day and really enjoy my life. Fill that time with other activities I enjoy versus putting in more hours in the office to try and advance my career. So yes, I am moving back to a town where my career options are limited. I know that. I will watch friends from the accounting program continue to kill it in their careers and reach titles I may never reach, but I've come to terms with that. They will have sacrificed for those titles. And I will reap other benefits in life in lieu of big fancy titles. (Side note, I am happy with the title I am going back to SkyWest with - Senior Manager of Tax. That is a great spot to be in at this stage of my career. But I'm also going back with the understanding that this will most likely remain my title for the foreseeable future. So while my friends in public accounting continue to advance every few years, I will not be on that same trajectory. Again, something I have realized over these past 12 months I am fine trading for the work/life balance and steady job I will be enjoying.)
• Anonymity: Clearly this list will contain the good and bad aspects of my decision to move back. This one is definitely on the bad side. I have LOVED the freedom that comes with living somewhere you don't know people. To be fair, I feel like I do a pretty good job of not caring what other people think of me. But at the same time, I don't feel the need to call attention to myself all the time. Being single and older is tricky. I still want to go out and do stuff, but I don't always want to try and find someone who wants to do that same things I want to do and then try to coordinate schedules with people. So, the only option is to just go out and do stuff by myself. Which I don't mind doing one little bit. But I'm not gonna lie, there is way more awkwardness doing stuff alone in a small town versus a large one. No facts about me are different. I'm still single. I'm still alone. I'm still awesome. But there is more of an awkwardness factor there. I think that will just be something I'll have to get over once and for all when I move back. But I will miss things like going and getting a massage and knowing there is no connection between the masseuse and anyone I know or went to high school with. I don't know why that one weirds me out so much, but it really does.
• Church: I guess this one fits in both categories too. While "the Church" is the same everywhere, the people are different (obviously). I grew up a Utah Mormon. I think there is a lot of good that comes with that, but I also think there is some bad that comes with it as well. I think Utah Mormons are so engrossed in the Church culture it's really hard to separate "the Church" from "the people who attend church." There feels to be more of a watchdog feel to life in Utah. That may just be my perception, but let me give an example to explain my thoughts. When I was living in St. George a few years ago, one of my best friends from LA came out to visit me with her boyfriend. Now, Gospel standards - keep the Sabbath day holy. One way I really strive to do that is to not go out to eat or shop on Sunday. Clearly I make exceptions when I'm traveling, but typically if I'm at my home I try to live by those guidelines. Well when my friend was visiting really the only time we could have gone to a meal together was Sunday afternoon. But it's a small town and I didn't want anyone to see me out and think I wasn't being a "good Mormon" so I didn't go to eat with them. Looking back I think that was such a stupid decision. Do I think I'll go to Hell if I eat out on a Sunday? If that was the case, I'd for sure be going there anyways so what's the point. I think it's important to strive to live your beliefs daily, but I do believe in a loving and understanding Heavenly Father is has no intention of writing me off for eating out on a Sunday. That being said, it's not a habit I ever intend to get into, but in certain circumstances I think it's fine. Why I brought up that example for this comparison is because there have been 2 times since moving to Dallas that I have willingly eaten out on a Sunday. Some people may think twice in a year isn't that big of a deal, but for me it really is. And it's a big indicator to me of how I choose to live in a Mormon intensive city versus outside of it. But there's another, more important, difference when it comes to church that I've noticed. Outside of Utah, I attend church like normal and participate here and there, but inside Utah I am more of a leader. All of my leadership roles in church - Relief Society President, Relief Society Counselors, Young Women's President - have come to me while living in Utah. I don't know what it is, but in Utah I'm a leader and outside of Utah I'm just not. And I really enjoy/miss those leadership roles (even though they are exhausting and difficult at times. #keepingitreal).
• Travel: I really thought I'd still travel occasionally. Obviously that would have been easier had I stayed at American Airlines, but I didn't. And most of my travels this past year have been for family stuff. It isn't necessarily buying the tickets that has been the issue as much as having someone to travel with (another curse of being single). It's a lot easier to travel with flight benefits, because instead of coordinating a trip with someone else, you just hope on a plane and go to wherever they are. I'm REALLY exciting about being able to travel easily(ish) again. Right now my top travel places are Scandinavia (Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland), Australia, New York, and Chicago. But with winter coming some of those may have to wait till next summer. 
• Work: I guess I already touched on the career aspect above, but this is different than that. Working in Dallas was a HUGE eye-opener for me. Before SkyWest I was working at PwC in LA. My work schedule was insane. I was busy all the time. That's what I was trained for. That's what I was used to. When I went to SkyWest I maintained much of that work level. Obviously I didn't have to work the overtime that was required at PwC, but my days were still fairly packed full of work to do and get out the door. I had A LOT of responsibilities and usually only had down time if I was putting something unimportant off for another day. Work in Dallas has been really opposite of that. There wasn't the workload or sense of urgency I had at SkyWest. For the first time since starting my career I had to find ways to kill time to last through 8 hours at work. I finally got a taste for what I've come to discover is how a lot of people spend time at work - surfing the web, online shopping, reading/writing blogs. While it was nice at moments, overall it was so BORING. Like I mentioned early I like to be really productive at work. I like getting things accomplished and out the door. I want to come in, work hard for 8 hours, and leave. Killing time at work is torture to me. Another thing I learned is that I really enjoy the airline industry (but that not all airlines are created the same). Where I live there are planes overhead constantly. I found myself always staring up trying to see which airline the plane belonged to. It's an industry I really enjoy and I love talking to other people in the industry. It's impossible to talk to someone who works in the airline industry and not talk about vacation and travel ideas. I love it. I want to hear about all the cool places someone has been and get tips for any upcoming travels I have planned. I can't wait to get back to that. One last item to talk about when it comes to work is the people. I walked away from Caliber with some AMAZING friendships. I text with two of my coworkers constantly which I hope continues! And I cannot leave out my boss from Caliber. She was the best. We both talked about how the other one was like a second mom/daughter to us. She was very smart and good at her job, but more than that she was an awesome person. She had the best perspective on work/life balance of any high-level person I've known (not only for herself but also for the people working below her - aka me). She was kind, and caring, and made me feel extremely appreciated and validated for all the work I did. She is definitely the kind of boss I want to be someday. Saying that, I have to note that my boss at SkyWest is also great. He's way different than my boss at Caliber was, but one thing I'm really excited about is that he and I think very similarly when it comes to work stuff. And because of that we work together and understand each other from a work standpoint really well. I'm definitely sad to not have the regular personal connection with my boss here in Dallas, but I'm excited to learn more from my boss in St. George and he's also been great (in different ways) over the years. Comparing the two doesn't really work because it's like apples and grapes. Similar but different. (I didn't use apples and oranges because I don't like oranges so it would have been a skewed comparison.)
• Hobbies: I feel like there's a lot of little hobbies that will be easier for me to do in St. George. Because I'm spending less time in my car commuting and just getting to places I'll have more time to actually do stuff. There's so many things I want to do at some point - take piano lessons, help coach cheer, maybe go to hair school at night, maybe teach a night class at the college, get into painting/crafts more, etc. I feel like because of the personal connections in a small town some of those things may be easier to make a realty in St. George. Not saying they all will happen, but maybe one day.
• Marriage: This is an interesting one. I still believe finding someone I want to marry in St. George (that wants to marry me back) will be extremely difficult. I'm not just looking to get married because I don't want to be single anymore. I have no intentions of settling. I want to find someone I am compatible with. Who I feel like I am completely myself with and who accepts, loves, and understands me. Oh, and the Mormon thing is pretty important too. Actually I meant that more as a joke/aside, but I will say that since loosing my Dad that aspect of a guy has gained greater significance. Without my Dad here and both my brothers being inactive, we have no worthy Priesthood holders in my family. Which, to me, is pretty significant and pretty sad. I never want to wonder who will bless or baptize my future babies. I don't want myself or any future kids to not know who to ask for a blessing when needed/wanted (something I have struggled with since losing my Dad and especially since being in Dallas). So anyways, that was another tangent, but the point was that finding all those compatibility features includes someone who is committed to the Gospel and attending church on the regular. With that being sad, I think I needed to move to Dallas to realize finding someone to marry is going to be hard anywhere I go. Before moving out here I thought there would be a way bigger pool of single/eligible Mormon guys in Dallas. If there are, I haven't met them. So while I do think finding someone in St. George will be hard, I don't know that I think it will be harder than finding one anywhere else anymore. 
• Financials: I don't want to spend too much time on this one, but I just have to note that I think one of the main reasons I moved to Dallas was to help me out financially. I've mentioned before on this blog (I think) that poor choices in college and for years afterwards led to me getting into a significant amount of debt - credit cards and student loans. It was bad. I was making okay money, but still living paycheck to paycheck because of how much I was paying out each month just to make the minimum payment on my debt. I remember one time, I was so poor that I went out with on of my YW after mutual and I very awkwardly didn't pick up the bill for her treat, because I barely had enough in my account to cover my own. I think about that moment a lot. It's a position I NEVER want to be in again. And clearly it wasn't that long ago because I wasn't in YW's for very long. Selling my house and a few other money situations that went along with my move to Dallas completely wiped away my credit card debt, paid off a significant chunk of my student loans, and I was able to pay off my car. Dallas was the first time in my life I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck. It has been so freeing. I completely understand why Church leaders warn against debt. And while I still have some student loan debt, it doesn't hold the grip on me it once did. 
• Small town girl: Ugh, this one really gets me. And I think it has to do with the dichotomy I talked about before with my thoughts on career and whether I need to push all the way to the top or do what makes me happy even if it's not "reaching my full career potential". In my mind I'm more of a big city girl. I love all the restaurants and entertainment options. I love the anonymity. I love that big cities tend to pull more education/career focused people. I love the feel and sound of saying "I live in LA" or "I live in Dallas". But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm apparently a small town girl. I keep leaving big cities and ending up in small old St. George. As much as I don't really want to, I think it's just time to come to terms with the fact I might just be meant to be a small town girl. :(
• Friends: I have made some really good friends in Dallas that I am sad to be leaving. I will miss them! The other thing I wonder about is how it will be going back to St. George. Who am I going to hang out with? I had a pretty good group of friends I was hanging out with before moving to Texas, but after various events two of my closest friends from St. George I'm not really friends with any more. So I'm really not sure what it's going to be like moving back. Luckily I will have my family there if I have no one else to spend time with. (lol) But I do hope I can find a good group of friends that I feel like I genuinely connect with and enjoy spending time with.
• Promptings: There have been multiple times over the past few months that I've questioned my thoughts/feelings about moving back. As I'm sure you can tell from all the back and forth in this post the decision came with a lot of uncertainties and doubt. In the midst of these thoughts I kept getting promptings as I'd read my scriptures at night. A lot of versus about "trusting in the Lord" and "returning to the land of our fathers" kept standing out to me. And when I prayed about what I should do I kept getting the feeling that moving back was the right thing. And I trust my gut/the Spirit/intuition/promptings - whatever you want to call it. So even when leaving Caliber was hard, and doubts creep in about my decision, I've decided to rely on those promptings and trust that there was a reason for all of this.
• Dallas expectations vs. reality: The other question I've gotten a lot since announcing my move was "But I thought you liked Dallas?" I have liked Dallas.I've had a lot of great times here in Dallas. I have had some interesting opportunities here starting with the chance I had to switch jobs from American to Caliber after 2 months (thank goodness). I have good friends here. I've been lucky to get suite hook-ups at Rangers (Baseball) and Stars (hockey) games. But there have also been some challenges and unexpected situations here in Dallas. There are 3 things I for sure wont miss about Dallas - the weather, the drivers, and the bugs. For starters I was seriously mistaken about Texas weather. I don't know why, but I think because the only two times I had been in Texas it was sunny and warm. I guess I assumed it was always like that. I knew the humidity would take some getting used to, but really that hasn't bothered me that much/at all. It's the inconsistency. Texas weather is INSANELY temperamental. It will be sunny and clear in the morning and then a crazy thunder and hail storm in the afternoon. I've seen the weather forecast switch from a full week of thunderstorms, to a few scattered showers, to just sunny and hot in a matter of hours. And vice-versa of course. It's really hard to get used to. I'm from St. George. I need my hot and sunny summers. And the hail in Texas is unreal. I have seen some cars with hail damage and it is terrible! I am not sad to be leaving that. Now, Texas drivers. The worst! I've lived in Utah and California - two places known for bad drivers. But Texas takes the cake. I can't tell you how many times the car in front of me on the freeway came to a complete stop for legitimately no reason whatsoever. And should I mention the only real accident I've been in happened in Dallas? A 4 car pile-up (I was the front car - aka the innocent one) because people drive like crap here. And Texas has made me a worse/more scared driver. I hate it. Hopefully I'll get back to my old driving self when I get back to St. George. Oh the bugs here in Dallas. So gross!! They are just everywhere. And people act like it's so normal to find geckos in your house all the time. I do not like it. At least in St. George as long as you regularly get your house sprayed you should be critter-free. I can't wait for that! So yes, I have loved a lot of things about Texas. But there are some things I'm excited about leaving. There have been some other expectation vs. reality differences, but not any I want to get into here. So we'll just leave it at those ones. lol

This post ended up being way bigger than I planned, but I feel like I needed to articulate what led me to the decision to move back to Utah. Like I've said before, I have had conflicting feelings about it. And it's odd because I still have times where people ask me if I'm excited to move back and I'm hesitant to say yes. There is excitement, but there is also a weird feeling of wondering what it will be like to move back. But I know it's the right move and it's what I want/wanted. It'll be great.

While #TexasForever didn't end up happening I know moving to Dallas last year was the right thing at that time. If for no other reason, I think I needed to move to Dallas to change my financial situation, realize there isn't some big pool of single Mormon guys just waiting for me, and help me realize the career "path" I actually want. Now that I've learned those lessons, I guess it's time to go back. 

Wish me luck :)

Seriously?

After a lot of debate (and trial and error) and with much trepidation I've decided I need to put my records in and attend the YSA ward by my house. 

Today (which is really my first week back) is ward conference. And for Sunday School they brought in stake leaders to come talk with us. And by stake leaders I mean the stake young men's president and stake young women's president. I kid you not. 

Honestly, it's no wonder so many older singles leave the Church. It's not always a lack of testimony, it's a lack of belonging. I appreciate the experiences and knowledge these stake leaders have and can share with us, but it honestly just seems and comes off as though they are continuing to treats single ADULTS like YM/YW. 

I am 29 years old. I have a masters degree and over 6 years if experience in my career. I have lived away from home since I was 18 years old. I have moved multiple times on my own. I have traveled to across the world with just friends. I don't need or want to be treated like a teenager. 

I love the Church. And, as a whole, I love and truly do believe in the organization of the Church. But, I do not understand when people act like an 18 year old who got married and pregnant two seconds after graduating high school is more of an adult than me. If you don't believe this happens I can pretty much guess you got married early. You don't know what it's like to be seen as an outsider in a ward because you don't have stories of poopy diapers and lack of sleep. 

We, as members, HAVE to change. We have to understand that not everyone gets married and starts popping out babies. We have to find a way to make room for everyone and utilize everyone's talent and ability without putting people in boxes - sahm, the singles, divorcés, etc. 

As time goes on this will be more and more evident. There will be more of us staying single older who will feel like they don't belong. The truth is of course they belong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of inclusion and a place for us all to bring our talents and help move the gospel forward. We need to figure out how to make our wards more like the true gospel.

The sad truth is that if changes don't happen to the church culture we will start losing older singles. 

There's not one type of "good Mormon". We are a collective of individuals working towards a similar goal. I hope we find ways to make our wards feel more like that. 

(I guess I'll step down off my soapbox now and get back to listening to this YM/YW leaders. Wish me luck.)

Thinking Ahead

*Warning, this post gets pretty personal (and a bit TMI) on a subject I haven't opened up much about. It's something that's been on my mind for a few days now, and since I don't know what the future holds, I figured I would get these thoughts out now so I have them to look back on.

As I was driving home from work on Thursday I realized that although I started the sugar pills on Sunday I still haven't bleed at all. This isn't that odd to me anymore, I've skipped bleeding a number of months now since I started on birth control a year and a half ago. But this time my mind went somewhere else with those thoughts.

First, let me back up a bit.

As I am (what feels like) the oldest living virgin alive I kind of hate being on birth control. It feels like a waste. We all know abstinence is the best firm of birth control and I've got that down pat. However, at the beginning of 2015 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Very simply put, PCOS affects your hormones, how your body absorbs different foods, and your period. Instead of releasing eggs like normal, my ovaries start the process but don't finish. Lazy stinking ovaries. No follow-through. Instead of releasing the egg, there's this little hair follicle that grows and then just hangs out in my ovary forever. It's not something doctors go in and remove. They're tiny and not doing much except collecting in there. But because you're not ovulating normally it can make it harder to get pregnant. (One of most girls, and definitely one of my, biggest fears.) When I was first diagnosed I had 14 follicles in one ovary and 10 in the other. Not sure how many I have now, but I would assume more. When the doctor first told me how many I freaked out, because while I do not know much about the human body, I do have the impression that ovaries are pretty small. I relaxed a bit when the doctor told me that wasn't a lot and she's seen some women with hundreds of follicles in there. So that's a plus.

[I feel like I should put a disclaimer in here, because I am in no way a PCOS genius. The description provided above is what the main takeaways for me are. People with PCOS have different symptoms and different issues. And honestly, compared to some issues I could I have gotten, I think I lucked out a bit. When I was first diagnosed a read a lot about it and kind of freaked myself out. So I decided to take a more laid back and relaxed stance on it. I try to follow my doctor's recommendations and enjoy the life I have as much as possible.]

Before my diagnosis I thought it was pretty sweet that I would only have maybe one period while everyone else had gone through their cycles two or three times. I never knew it was a problem. And I remember thinking when I was first starting birth control that it was going to suck bleeding EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. But whatever, the birth control would help regulate my hormones and keep my uterine lining from getting too thick, (I warned you about the TMI) so I started popping "the pill" each night before bed.

The first few times I skipped a period, meaning I took the week of sugar pills but never bleed, I was worried. Then it happened again. And again. How is something that is supposed to force my body to have periods still not making that work? Are my lady parts that screwed up?

I goggled it (the most legit way to find answers to anything obviously) and then followed up with the Gyno at my next appointment. Apparently it's not that big of a deal. It happens to some people. My doctor said that the birth control is regulating my hormones. And that even if I don't bleed it's better to keep taking them and let them regulate everything instead of leaving it up to my body and taking the risk of that uterine lining building up and potentially leading to other, potentially more dangerous, issues down the road. And that the pills are in control basically, so if there's lining to "shed", it'll "shed". (side note: we seriously need some better terms for periods. Not necessarily cute and flower terms, just some sort of upgrade.) So, moral of the story, blood or no blood I just keep taking that little pill each night and wait till week 4 to see what happens.

Now back to what prompted this post (aka overshare)....

As I was driving home realizing I was 4 sugar pills into another bloodless period, I started thinking about pregnancy. Sure, I've got a bunch of steps between where I'm at in life now until I need to worry about pregnancy, but I'm a planner and a thinker, so that's what I was doing. I started thinking about how my doctor had told me that stopping birth control (as in once I'm married and trying to get pregnant) may actually help me be more fertile because my hormones have been regulated by the birth control so they'll be used to running through the normal 28 day cycle each month. This thought was followed by me wondering how I would know I was pregnant. The obvious answer I thought of was "you'll be late or miss a period so you'll take a pregnancy test". That thought was quickly followed by, "if you're not having regular periods (even while on birth control) how will I know? Will this mean that month after hopeful month I will buy and take pregnancy tests only to get another negative?"

The thought was a crushing blow.

Not because it was a new concept - not being able to have children. I've thought about that a lot over the last year and a half, and even before then from time to time. I am a huge proponent of adoption, but of course I would love to carry my children. I want to experience that part of life. But at the end of the day I know that being pregnant and literally giving birth to a child is not the only path to motherhood. If I won't be able to have children, well that will suck. A lot. But, if my future husband agrees, we'll go down every other path we can to have a family. But this experience wasn't about that.

So let me get back to what it was about.

What made this time hurt especially bad was because I could literally see myself - each and every month that again I didn't start bleeding - wondering, getting excited, hoping that this would be the month. And I could see myself taking the test, anxiously waiting trying to occupy myself for the few minutes it takes to get the results, and then looking at another negative reading. Because I don't bleed like normal I wouldn't have a warning indicator. Each month would seem like a "late period". Only to feel that crushing blow. Month after month.

I cried the rest of my drive home.

*****

I know there are a thousand different reasons why this may not end up happening in my future. And maybe it was stupid to even think it in the first place. But in that moment it felt so real. It was a clear vision of a potential and heartbreaking time. One that I hope I don't have to face. But who knows what's to come in life. Maybe I had this experience as a warning to give me comfort that there is a greater plan if something like this does happen at some point. Maybe it is to make me even more grateful if I don't struggle with pregnancy. I just don't know.