Scratch That

Last week was a quiet week here on the blog.

There were a few days last week that I started writing with the intention of posting, only to get near the end and realize I didn't like what I had written enough to post it. Either it was too much of a rant, didn't have enough purpose to subject other people to it, or just didn't turn out to be something I wanted out there.

Hopefully this week will be better.

Currently the only things on my mind are how much I love living alone (It's been about a week and a half since my friend I moved to Texas with moved back to St. George.), opinions on the various tv shows I watch (but I'm not sure I want to admit how many shows I watch on a weekly basis), and how excited I am to be going to St. George at the end of this week. I cannot wait to see and snuggle my babies!!!

So we'll see where, if anywhere, my thoughts lead this week in terms of blog posts.

Sidenote: In my spare time last week I went back and read some of my old posts. It was very entertaining rereading about the different events in my life deemed worthy of a blog post. And actually, as I was writing that, I got an idea for a new post. So, get excited for that.

Second Sidenote: I find it pretty funny that I write as though numerous people are reading this blog and hanging on to my every word. LOL I can think of less than a handful of people who may from time to time end up on this blog (since I don't really advertise it at all). But yeah, delusions always a good thing right? ;)

Third Sidenote: I just thought of ANOTHER blog post. This week is about to get CRAZY! :)

The Worst.

Before Dallas I lived in Utah and California. Two places known for “bad” drivers. And while that’s not without good reason, I must say, Texas takes the cake.

That’s right. I’m declaring it right now. Texas has THE WORST drivers I’ve ever seen.

I think they get away with it a little bit because of the ONE good thing I’ve noticed about Texas drivers – they are generally really good about letting people over/in when you put your blinker on. But seriously, that’s it. In order to validate my claim I will list out the various offenses I’ve noticed multiple times. So without further ado, and in no particular order (other than understanding they all are terrible) here I go…

·         Blind lane changes

o   I live in the “burbs” but drive to downtown Dallas all the time. On MANY occasions driving to downtown I’ve almost gotten into an accident because people will switch lanes, even in tight traffic, without looking. And hello, I’m right here. Coming at you at up to 60+ mph sometimes. Stop doing that!

·         Complete disregarding for lines

o   I know this isn’t a big one, but it drives me NUTS. Solid white lines…. You’re not supposed to cross them! Of course we’d all love to move out of the merging lane early, but if it’s a solid white line you’re supposed to wait until it because dashed.

§  Ok I just looked this one up, and at least in Texas it’s not necessarily against the law to cross it, but it’s “strongly discouraged”. Either way, I still find it super annoying. But now that I know it’s not illegal I’ll probably start doing it. #hypocrite

·         Stopping on a freeway onramp

o   Yes, I have literally had this happen to me. As I was leaving work a week or so ago I went to get on the freeway, which already has a pretty short ramp length, when the car in front of me literally stopped on the ramp. WAS SHE TRYING TO GET US ALL KILLED?! I was so annoyed. And to really drive this point home (that’s somewhat confusing wording to use when actually talking about driving, but oh well), let me share a story that I heard when I attended the YSA ward I should technically be in. A very young (18 or 19 year old) girl started talking about how she wanted to go to an art museum in downtown Dallas. Now, like I said before, I live in a suburb about 35 minutes from downtown. To get there from my house I end up using about 3 or 4 different freeways. Well, apparently this girl had NEVER driven on a freeway. (How is that possible you ask? I will explain in the next bullet point.) So, once she decided to go to the museum in downtown she mapped out how to get there using just side streets. But then her GPS, which was supposed to be programed to avoid freeways completely, told her to go a certain way that resulted in her having to go on a freeway. Apparently it did not go well. The gist of the story was that she got off the freeway as soon as she could, pulled into a parking lot where she cried and spazzed out for like 15 minutes. And then she just drove home because she couldn’t handle trying to drive to downtown after that “horrible” ordeal. THAT IS A TRUE STORY. By a legal adult. America, we should be worried for our future.

·         No formal driver’s ed

o   Absurd right? I guess Texas isn’t unique in not having driver’s ed done through the school system. And I know that in Utah you can take it separately from the school offered class, but I’m pretty sure most people do the school program. Anyways, what that means is that here in Texas parents teach their kids how to drive. So every little driving quirk/issue the parents have the young driver now inherits. Did you know that all growing up I thought you had to constantly be moving the steering wheel to keep the car going straight? You want to know why I thought that? Because when my dad drove, he constantly shook the steering wheel. Once I starting driving however, guess what I discovered? For the most part, cars go straight all on their own. MIND BLOWN. A uniform training program, in my oh so wise opinion, is the best way to teach a large group to follow set rules and guidelines. Not individuals with different issues and knowledge bases. And that’s how you end up with people who have driven for years and have NEVER driven on a freeway. So Absurd.

·         Use of the left lane

o   Ugh, this one irritates me multiple times a week. People, the left lane is for cars that want to go fast. If you are going the speed limit, move over. The left lane is not for you.

Well, I think that sums up my main complaints. I love Texas, but man, the drivers here put the Utah and California drivers to shame with the dumb crap they do.

One final thought, and this isn’t a complaint, but rather an observation. When did everyone learn how to back into parking spots? I can parallel park like a boss (thank you LA), but backing into a spot… no way. Not something I can do. How did I miss this training that apparently everyone else took? The girl who can’t drive on a freeway can probably even back into a spot. And that’s just embarrassing… for me.

Not a club you want to join

I dealt with death numerous times growing up - including the loss of family members.

My maternal grandmother died right after my parents starting dating. My maternal grandfather died the month after I was born. My paternal grandfather died when I was 4. And my paternal grandmother died when I was 15. I’d experienced death.  

But losing my dad in 2014 was something else entirely.

It wasn’t just losing someone I had sporadic interaction with. It was losing a key player in my life. Someone who was supposed to be an integral part of events still to come. And it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

Back in college, when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, I had a few friends who had lost their fathers by that point. I relied on those friends so much during that time. Whenever I had questions or fears I talked to them. I pulled from their strength.

And then I became a member of that awful club. The dead dad club.

I learned very quickly that one thing you gain by becoming a member of this club is a level of empathy that you can’t gain any other way. And while everyone experiences and deals with death and grief differently, there is a level of commonality I’ve noted between those affected with the death of a key player. Whether it’s similarities between things that happened in those final days, how you’ve felt immediately after versus once a few months have passed, or how it still continues to impact you as the years pass by. We know. We’ve lived and continue to live it.

Last night I learned that a friend I’ve known since high school passed away yesterday. I am just stunned by this news. And I am having a really hard time understanding why. I know life isn’t fair, but this situation seems extra unfair. She was the nicest person. And that’s not an in memoriam blanket statement. She was genuinely one of the nicest people you could meet. In high school she was actually a friend of one of my close friends, but when I moved back to St. George in 2012 we lived in the same complex and because of that mutual friend, her and I developed a friendship that I will always be grateful for. I was worried about being back in St. George and not having friends, and here came Mallory and squashed all those worries. She recently celebrated her one year wedding anniversary with a guy that, although I never met him I knew, she loved more than anything. She was so happy with him. And just within the last 3 weeks she gave birth to their first child – a beautiful little girl. So why her? Why this girl who waited so long to find love, had finally found it, was just starting her family? It’s just so upsetting. And having a slight idea of what her family is dealing with right now my heart breaks for them. Her poor husband, left to raise their little girl without her mom. Her family, including a twin brother, left to try and pick up the pieces.

It’s at times like this my faith is truly tested. I do believe in a loving God, but I struggle when things like this happen. I try to understand that one day we will look back on the struggles of this life and think they weren’t that big of a deal (similar to how as adults we laugh at the “struggles” of childhood). But for now, my heart is sadden by the loss of this amazing person and for the loved ones left behind.

#miraclesforMal

Clearly I need this...

Can we talk about my latest obsession for a moment? Of course we can, it's my blog. So here it is....

 

 

I mean, how cute is this little pedestal washing machine?! I know, I'm just one single person doing laundry for literally one person (who quite honestly doesn't even wash certain items of clothing until they have been worn a few times - judge away if you must). But I totally feel like I need one of these.

And here's my reasoning.

I have certain items that I wash separately - either because the color still bleeds or it attracts lint really bad or because I'm weird and love doing a million mini loads. So imagine how nice it would be to wash all these small/separate loads at the same time I'm washing my regular loads? Kind of amazing right?

And now you probably want one too. And I don't blame you. :)

*Also, can I get some kudos for not posting something so serious like I've been doing?! It was about time. :P

Scaredy Cat

*Warning: this post got unexpectedly deep. #TWSS J

As I’ve gotten older (and remained perpetually single) I’ve developed quite a fear of commitment. And not just when it comes to relationships. I don’t like to commit to plans to hang out, attend certain events, or otherwise obligate my time. There’s also a range to my commitment phobia. I can make plans to hang out with a particular person on a particular day and can even decide on a specific activity, but I’d rather not nail down a time if I can avoid it. Also if it’s too far in advance (more than a week or two), I’d rather not fully commit even though I have every intention of going and participating.

I know, it doesn’t make any sense. But what can I say, I guess I’m a classic Millennial in this way.

But, what if I’ve been lying to myself about this fear of commitment. What if it’s something else masking itself as commitment issues. A guy I knew in college is now attending the same ward as me here in Dallas. He has a blog called Zack’s Bowl of Oates. While I was perusing his blog I came across a post he did about his recent wedding dayand an emotion he had anticipated, but never ended up feeling – fear.

As a self-proclaimed commitment phobe, this post was pretty interesting to me. I knew Zack back in the days of living in Canterwood in Provo. He was in my singles ward. He seemed to date a lot and gave off the impression that he was a classic non-committal kind of guy. (No offense Zack. I also remember him as being nice and fun so there’s good stuff too.) But as I read his wedding day post I was shocked that he didn’t feel any fear.

Of course I’ve heard people say the whole “when you know you know” line. And honestly I still don’t know how much I believe that. There have been plenty of things I thought I “knew” only to realize years later that I had no clue what I was talking about. And especially in a culture where physical desires (for lack of a more graphic term) are being denied I wonder how much I’ll truly be able to trust my thoughts and feelings when that time comes. I worry that I won’t know if it’s real/right or if I’m just sick of being a virgin. Because trust me, I’M EXTREMELY SICK OF IT. And I don’t want to hear any of that “sex isn’t that great” B.S. You know why you say that…. because you’ve had it. Even if it’s not great, it’s still got to be more fulfilling that not doing it.

Anyways, back to Zack’s blog. He wrote something that really stood out to me. While talking about people who feel fear in relationships and dating he said,

“So don’t fear if you feel fear-it might not be you, it might just be that you haven’t found them. (And a simple way to tell if it is you…pray to fall in love and see if you mean it.)

Praying about relationships, marriage, and a future family. Check. Check. Check. I’ve done it all. But praying to fall in love. Now that’s an interesting way to look at it. And not something I’ve tried yet. Plus, like Zack said, it would be an interesting way to see if I actually mean it….

If I’m being honest, I do go back and forth about whether or not I want to get married. And I think it’s mostly out of fear. I’m terrified that I will fall in love with one person and then once we’re married realize it was all a sham. They are nothing like the person they “pretended” to be while we were dating. And I love babies and little kids, but maybe I’d be okay not having any. The thought of trying to raise good kids in today’s world is terrifying. How can I teach them to make good choices, develop strong beliefs, and avoid all the crap that’s out there? Maybe it’s not worth the potential pain of watching them make terrible choices. I think about that sometimes. And I consider the alternative. If I don’t get married in this life I do believe that I will get that opportunity in the next. Think about that. Getting married once you’re already on the other side. That’s got to be easier right?

I don’t know. Sometimes it’s like I attempt to talk myself into this way of thinking so I have a buffer for my true feelings. Another one of Zack’s posts that I like talked about fear again, but this time the fear of letting someone see the real you.

I have a fun enough personality to make friends, but sometimes I wonder how many people truly see/know the real me. I tend to come off as a transparent person, and in some ways I am, but people only see what we allow them to see. People often seem surprised when I make comments like “Oh yeah, I cried yesterday.” Just because I prefer joking and making light of situations doesn’t change the fact that, like everyone else, I have struggles. I have fears. I have doubts. And sometimes those thoughts get the better of me. I don’t like to dwell in those kinds of thoughts for very long, but sometimes they come up.

I’ve especially noticed that since my dad died feeling love has been an issue for me. My dad was always a huge source of unconditional love. No matter what argument or frustrations had happened (which weren’t many with him), he was always so good at showing his love by actions, words, and touch (which just so happen to be the ways I feel love. i.e. The 5 Love Languages). If I was about to leave after visiting for the weekend he’d walk me out to my car, always helping with my suitcases. If I didn’t go to give him a hug and kiss before leaving he’d come to give me one. And after two instances of him rescuing me after I’d broken down on the side of the road (once between St. George and Provo and once between LA and St. George) he would always send me little texts or voicemails saying how I still “owed him” whenever he was traveling past those spots. Knowing that that was a special memory we shared.

I honestly think that’s been one of the hardest factors in trying to deal with my dad’s death – losing that feeling and showing of unconditional love. It does create fear that maybe I’m not lovable enough. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’m awesome and fun. But that’s different. I can be the awesome and fun friend that people want to hang out with. But am I truly loveable? Will someone be able to look past my flaws and truly love me? Will they really want to know everything about me? Will someone care enough to make the effort? 

It was another one of Zack’s posts that made me reflect on this today. It was a post called, “The REAL Reason You Fear Commitment” in which he said,

 

“But a commitment-phobia isn’t just founded on the fear of being hurt by someone or even the fear of hurting someone–it is founded on the fear of self reflection. You see, the more you commit to someone, the more you open up to them, the less your walls are put up, and hence, the more “you” you become around them.  And all this amount[s] to one scary fact: This means coming face to face with the person you’ve been trying to avoid. That person is the real, honest, genuine you. Not the “you” you wish you were or think you can become or hope others perceive you as…but you just as you are. Not that you aren’t great, but there are part of us we all want to…hide. The selfishness, the anger, the pride–the natural man.”

 

That sounds about right to me. But what this also showed me is that I’m not the only one thinking/feeling/worrying about this. And, in a sense, that’s comforting.

 

So, what am I taking away from this long and painfully honest at times post? I guess it’s to not get caught up in the fear. Like every emotion, fear is a temporary one. I shouldn’t let the moments of fear and doubt overshadowing the moments of peace and clarity. And maybe one day I will understand the "you know when you know" phenomenon. Until then, I think it's just about moving forward, working on the things I can improve upon personally, and knowing that the struggle is just part of the journey.

 

Funny Finds

Time for a laugh break....

Here are a few of the things I've found on Instagram that have made me laugh recently. Some of these include some very professional looking edits created by yours truly, but you should still get the gist. Enjoy!

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HAPPY FRIDAY!

Well that’s different….

My blog has suddenly become a report of my 30 day scripture reading challenge. But I will get back to other things soon enough. I just have to do one more post because of what happened last night during my reading.

The first few nights of reading I started getting answers and direction of where to turn next pretty much within the first minute or so that I started reading. And there seemed to be a good flow as I read.

Last night was the complete opposite.

I really struggled to know where to read. I had prayed and asked my question, and I asked to have the spirit direct my reading, but then it almost felt like radio silence.

Hello… anyone there?

After a while of not feeling like I was turning to the right spot and not getting anything out of what I was reading I wondered if maybe I had asked the wrong question. I had felt like it was a sincere question and that I could really use an answer to it, but when I wasn’t feeling anything I started to doubt. I even said a quick second prayer asking for more (any) direction and I even asked if I had asked the wrong question. But then I thought back to the challenge. The challenge said to “tell Him the one question you most need to have answered that day”. And I felt like the question I had asked fit that description. So I pressed on. I kept trying to get and feel something – anything. I was prompted to read my Patriarchal Blessing, which provided a bit of what I felt was an answer. And after that I got a little bit more. But definitely not what I had received the first few days of the challenge.

As I sat there wondering what had changed from the other nights I couldn’t pinpoint anything. But I did have one thought. Maybe part of my answer was the struggle. Almost like it was a test to see if I would keep going, keep trying, keep trusting. And to be honest, that’s the most fitting answer to the question I had asked.

Be patient. Keep moving forward. Keep trusting. Don’t give up. And don’t lose faith.