As I’ve gotten older (and remained perpetually single) I’ve
developed quite a fear of commitment. And not just when it comes to
relationships. I don’t like to commit to plans to hang out, attend certain
events, or otherwise obligate my time. There’s also a range to my commitment
phobia. I can make plans to hang out with a particular person on a particular
day and can even decide on a specific activity, but I’d rather not nail down a
time if I can avoid it. Also if it’s too far in advance (more than a week or
two), I’d rather not fully commit even though I have every intention of going
and participating.
I know, it doesn’t make any sense. But what can I say, I guess
I’m a classic Millennial in this way.
But, what if I’ve been lying to myself about this fear of commitment.
What if it’s something else masking itself as commitment issues. A guy I knew
in college is now attending the same ward as me here in Dallas. He has a blog
called Zack’s Bowl of Oates. While I
was perusing his blog I came across a post he did about his recent wedding dayand an emotion he had anticipated, but never ended up feeling – fear.
As a self-proclaimed commitment phobe, this post was pretty
interesting to me. I knew Zack back in the days of living in Canterwood in
Provo. He was in my singles ward. He seemed to date a lot and gave off the
impression that he was a classic non-committal kind of guy. (No offense Zack. I
also remember him as being nice and fun so there’s good stuff too.) But as I read
his wedding day post I was shocked that he didn’t feel any fear.
Of course I’ve heard people say the whole “when you know you
know” line. And honestly I still don’t know how much I believe that. There have
been plenty of things I thought I “knew” only to realize years later that I had
no clue what I was talking about. And especially in a culture where physical
desires (for lack of a more graphic term) are being denied I wonder how much I’ll
truly be able to trust my thoughts and feelings when that time comes. I worry
that I won’t know if it’s real/right or if I’m just sick of being a virgin.
Because trust me, I’M EXTREMELY SICK OF IT. And I don’t want to hear any of
that “sex isn’t that great” B.S. You know why you say that…. because you’ve had
it. Even if it’s not great, it’s still got to be more fulfilling that not doing
it.
Anyways, back to Zack’s blog. He wrote something that really
stood out to me. While talking about people who feel fear in relationships and
dating he said,
“So
don’t fear if you feel fear-it might not be you, it might just be that you
haven’t found them. (And a simple way to tell if it is you…pray to fall in love
and see if you mean it.)
Praying about relationships, marriage, and a future family.
Check. Check. Check. I’ve done it all. But praying to fall in love. Now that’s
an interesting way to look at it. And not something I’ve tried yet. Plus, like
Zack said, it would be an interesting way to see if I actually mean it….
If I’m being honest, I do go back and forth about whether or
not I want to get married. And I think it’s mostly out of fear. I’m terrified
that I will fall in love with one person and then once we’re married realize it
was all a sham. They are nothing like the person they “pretended” to be while
we were dating. And I love babies and little kids, but maybe I’d be okay not
having any. The thought of trying to raise good kids in today’s world is terrifying.
How can I teach them to make good choices, develop strong beliefs, and avoid
all the crap that’s out there? Maybe it’s not worth the potential pain of
watching them make terrible choices. I think about that sometimes. And I consider
the alternative. If I don’t get married in this life I do believe that I will
get that opportunity in the next. Think about that. Getting married once you’re
already on the other side. That’s got to be easier right?
I don’t know. Sometimes it’s like I attempt to talk myself
into this way of thinking so I have a buffer for my true feelings. Another one
of Zack’s posts that I like talked about fear again, but this time the fear of
letting someone see the real you.
I have a fun enough personality to make friends, but sometimes
I wonder how many people truly see/know the real me. I tend to come off as a
transparent person, and in some ways I am, but people only see what we allow
them to see. People often seem surprised when I make comments like “Oh yeah, I
cried yesterday.” Just because I prefer joking and making light of situations
doesn’t change the fact that, like everyone else, I have struggles. I have
fears. I have doubts. And sometimes those thoughts get the better of me. I don’t
like to dwell in those kinds of thoughts for very long, but sometimes they come
up.
I’ve especially noticed that since my dad died feeling love
has been an issue for me. My dad was always a huge source of unconditional
love. No matter what argument or frustrations had happened (which weren’t many
with him), he was always so good at showing his love by actions, words, and
touch (which just so happen to be the ways I feel love. i.e. The 5 Love
Languages). If I was about to leave after visiting for the weekend he’d walk me
out to my car, always helping with my suitcases. If I didn’t go to give him a
hug and kiss before leaving he’d come to give me one. And after two instances
of him rescuing me after I’d broken down on the side of the road (once between
St. George and Provo and once between LA and St. George) he would always send
me little texts or voicemails saying how I still “owed him” whenever he was
traveling past those spots. Knowing that that was a special memory we shared.
I honestly think that’s been one of the hardest factors in
trying to deal with my dad’s death – losing that feeling and showing of
unconditional love. It does create fear that maybe I’m not lovable enough. Don’t
get me wrong, I still think I’m awesome and fun. But that’s different. I can be
the awesome and fun friend that people want to hang out with. But am I truly
loveable? Will someone be able to look past my flaws and truly love me? Will
they really want to know everything about me? Will someone care enough to make
the effort?
It was another one of Zack’s posts that made me reflect on
this today. It was a post called, “The REAL Reason You Fear Commitment” in
which he said,
“But
a commitment-phobia isn’t just founded on the fear of being hurt by someone or
even the fear of hurting someone–it is founded on the fear of self reflection. You
see, the more you commit to someone, the more you open up to them, the less
your walls are put up, and hence, the more “you” you become around them. And all this amount[s] to one scary fact:
This means coming face to face with the person you’ve been trying to avoid. That
person is the real, honest, genuine you. Not the “you” you wish you were or
think you can become or hope others perceive you as…but you just as you are. Not
that you aren’t great, but there are part of us we all want to…hide. The
selfishness, the anger, the pride–the natural man.”
That sounds about right to me. But what this also showed me
is that I’m not the only one thinking/feeling/worrying about this. And, in a
sense, that’s comforting.
So, what am I taking away from this long and painfully honest
at times post? I guess it’s to not get caught up in the fear. Like every emotion,
fear is a temporary one. I shouldn’t let the moments of fear and doubt
overshadowing the moments of peace and clarity. And maybe one day I will understand the "you know when you know" phenomenon. Until then, I think it's just about moving forward, working on the things I can improve upon personally, and knowing that the struggle is just part of the journey.
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