I’m gonna need a do-over

Is it too late to realize I don’t know what I want to do with my life?

Eleven years ago I thought it would be a good idea to let 18 year old me decide what my future would hold. I was still in high school and had just been accepted BYU. One night, while riding in my best friend’s car, I was flipping through BYU’s catalog of majors and I picked accounting. That was it. That was the entire thought process I gave to my future career/academic path. 

And the rest is pretty much history.

But seriously, what did I know?! I was 18 years old, still living at home, and had no clue what real life would be like. I don’t know why I gave myself so much credit that I could make such an important, life-directing decision in one fail swoop.

Even during my 5 years at BYU I never questioned the choice I made that night. 

And things went well. The first 2 years there I did fine with my general classes. (Well I had a mini freak-out the first time I didn’t get an “A” in a class. But then I learned a saying that would serve me well throughout my remaining time in college – B’s get degrees.) Then after my first two years I got into the accounting undergrad program. That insanely hard year fed right into me applying to the Master’s program in tax. Got in there too. So everything was working out exactly as 18 year old me had lined it up to. Except one thing…. 

I never really thought about life after college. 

I mean, sure I had had an internship with PwC in LA the summer before my last year of college which led to a job offer once I graduated the following April, but I never thought long term about my career. And I realize now that I never did that for one BIG reason.

I never expected to have a long career. 

Sure I’d work for a few years. Use the education I worked moderately hard to get and then I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. Duh. How else would life turn out? Young, easy-going, fun-seeking me never considered the fact that I may be in the work force for a VERY long time. As in… until I retire at 65…. or later. 

I can honestly say that concept NEVER crossed my mind. In all of the years of me not dating and never being in real relationships the thought NEVER crossed my mind that that pattern of being the always single girl would continue as I got older. 

And now, here I am. 6 years into my career just as single as I was the day I sat in my friend’s car with that catalog of majors. 

I find myself second guessing my choice a lot and wondering if there’s still time for me to make a change. Well I guess I’m not wondering IF I can make a change, but rather WHAT that change would be. 

For a long time now, every time I go through a mini life-crisis, I’ve told myself I really want to go to hair school. While a part of me is nerdy and math/excel loving there is also a part of me that is creative and a bit artsy. That side barely gets to come through anymore. But I’ve thought that hair would allow me to do both. I’d have to understand the chemicals and reactions that could come from doing different color mixtures and whatnot and I could be more creative with cuts/colors (although obvious the client would tell me what they want). As you can tell I’ve thought into this. And in the past couple of weeks I’ve been considering it even more. But this time I’ve done what I failed to do at 18. I’ve spent time thinking about the reality of this profession and I think I’ve talked myself out it. I realized that whenever I thought about doing hair, I was thinking more about how useful I think it would be if I did ever have a family that I could cut their hair. And it would be fun to work from home. But that’s not the reality. The reality is standing on my feet all day. Dealing with clients with unrealistic expectations. Wondering if I’ll have enough bookings to make enough money that week/month. Washing people’s hair and scrubbing their scalp, even if it’s nasty. And the more I thought about the realistic day to day life of a stylist the more I realized I don’t know if that’s the right fit for me either.

The funny thing is that while I was sitting here writing this another thought popped into my head and it’s something I’ve actually considered a few times before as well. What about becoming a professor? I’ve said for years now that my favorite calling in church has been teaching. So what if I did make a career out of something I already enjoy? Well, this would mean I’d need to get a PhD in order to teach at most decent universities which is where I’d want to teach anyways. At this is what has stopped me in the past when I’ve had these thoughts. 

BUT…. what if I did an online PhD program? I would need to do some research on if I could find a decent online school/program that would result in a PhD that would actually help me get a job at a respectable university at the end of the process. But it’s not a terrible idea. I could do classes on my own time and at my own pace while still continuing to work my normal job. And nothing says I’d have to be a professor at the end of the process. It just gives me that opportunity. Obviously I need to give this idea some more serious thought, but I don’t hate it. In fact I’m kind of really excited about the idea. But we’ll see how I feel after some more time and more research.

I just feel like I’m kind of at a unique crossroads in my life. I’m far enough into my career to better understand what the future will/can look like if I continue doing what I’m doing. But I’m still early enough in my career that I don’t feel like it’s too late to make a change.

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend the other day where we talk about this idea of being an imposter. And worrying that one day our boss will discover we’re not actually that good at our jobs. Our skill level isn’t really where they think it is. We’re not understanding concepts like we are supposed to at this stage in the game. And they will realize we are a total imposter. I had never really thought about this concept until our conversation, but it does reflect how I feel most of the time about my job/career. It’s like somewhere along the line I picked up this identifier as the nerdy tax accountant girl. And when I realized this title seemed fitting I ran with it and used it whenever it seemed applicable. 

But guess what, I find tax pretty dang boring. Sure sometimes my brain will automatically jump to tax stuff in normal conversations but I think that has more to do with the fact I’ve been doing/talking about tax for basically the last decade. It’s been on the brain. But I don’t love it. And I don’t know that I ever will. 

So before it’s too late, maybe it’s time to find something I do love….