What's in the mix

Last night I went to get my hair done by a new hairstylist I’d found on Instagram. Not only did she do a great job on my hair, but we also had some really interesting conversations. In particular we talked about race. And if you think that’s a bold topic to discuss the first time you meet someone don’t worry, we spent a good chunk of time talking about religion too. It was a very open and honest conversation. I really enjoyed it. Anyways, back to race. 

There were actually 3 of us there in this conversation – the stylist, myself, and another girl who was getting her hair done too. (She and I would alternate in the chair. That was kind of a new experience having someone else at the same time as my appointment essentially, but I actually liked it.) And the great thing was we all had different background/experiences with race. 

I am clearly a white girl. Made even whiter with my bleach blonde hair. But my mom is half Italian and definitely looks more Italian than white. Simply put, she’s brown. And after a few hours in the summer sun she gets super dark. So although I think my mom would mark white/Caucasian in any ethnicity box (I only thought about this recently and haven’t asked her about it), we typically consider and called her brown. There’s even a long standing joke that when my dad (who grew up in a predominately Mexican neighborhood) first saw/bumped into her he thought she was “a little Mexican girl”. The point being, that although I’m white I don’t think I’ve ever considered myself white-white. If that makes sense. There’s some color mixed in there. It just happens to hide deep under the surface of my skin. 

The other girl getting her hair done is what I would consider “white-white”. All white heritage (or as far as she knew). But she had two kids from her first husband who was Puerto Rican and her current husband that she also has two kids with is black. She also has 3 black siblings that her mom adopted when she was in her teenage years. So although she’s “white-white” she has had some unique race experiences because of her family make up. 

The stylist is one of those people that at first glance you don’t really know what her ethnicity is. From the few pictures I’d seen of her on Instagram I assumed she was Hispanic. Possibly Puerto Rican or something similar. And she said she’s gotten that a lot. And while she does have a very small amount of Puerto Rican blood in there, she is half black/half white. Her father’s black and her mother’s white. And she is married to a man that is half Mexican/half white.  

So needless to say we all come from different and unique backgrounds. 

We talked about a lot of different items last night. And like most things that deal with race there are of course a million exceptions to everything. And although we talked in generalities we all knew and noted that our comments and experiences were not reflective of the entire population we were discussing. But here are some of the main topics: 

 

• The reaction the “white-white” girl gets when she’s out with her black husband and mixed kids including stares and little comments that are made
• The reaction the “white-white” girl gets when she’s out with her mom and adopted siblings
• How people don’t realize the stylist is part black and will make derogatory comments about black people in front of and to her
• The hostility that is felt from black women towards white women with black men, including from the man’s family
• The difference between “African American” black men and “African” black men
• If there are black Mormons (Shocker… yes! Just not as many as I would like in the wards I’ve been in)
• How my family would react if I brought home a black guy (which is my life goal #nojoke)
• The hostility towards light skinned black people from dark skin black people
• What it meant to be a “House Slave”
• Having “good hair” and the negative reactions from some black women
• The stereotype of the angry black women and the true examples we’ve seen of that stereotype
• How some black women will require men they date to start paying their bills right from the start
• How dark black women are not seen (or very sadly don’t feel like they are seen) as beautiful as lighter skinned black women
• Beyoncé - that she is light skinned so she is more accepted by the mainstream population, how the Super Bowl was a different side to her than the mainstream typically sees, and the hilarious SNL skit
• And a number of other topics

It was interesting talking about so many of the issues from different angles. I personally think race is something we should talk about more. But for educational purposes. Not to degrade or condemn based on race. I will never understand what it’s like to be black. But how else will I learn about it than by speaking opening about race with people who are. And vice versa. There are things I will deal with as a white person that someone of a different race will not. And the same can be said for every other race – Asian, Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, Indian, etc. Until we all start openly talking about real issues and experiences I don’t see any future where race isn’t a hot button issue.

Even while I was writing this I thought about the possibility that I may offend someone by using the term “black” instead of “African American”. I did this for a couple reasons. First off, there are plenty of people that are black but are not African Americans, and there is no reason to exclude them from this conversation. And same goes for the term white. Not all white people come from the same place. Technically I am not “white” I am English-Italian, but when you look at me you see a white person. And I am okay with that. Another reason I used these broader terms is that I don’t believe these words are inherently offensive. It’s not the words black and white that are offensive it’s the words we use around them that set the tone.

For me the issue is when color determines how you will treat a person. How you value someone and their worth. That’s what it all comes down to. It’s not about race, it’s about how we treat each other. How we speak about and to others. Doing what we can to understand the other person and help each other become better.

It’s not about becoming colorblind, it’s about become color-aware. Understanding peoples backgrounds and perspectives. Understanding and openly discussing our differences. And learning to embrace the unique heritage we all have.